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Facebook is watching you

11 Jan

This is going to make me sound like a conspiracy theorist, but that’s just an inevitable part of me becoming my mother. 

Have you ever run into someone– In Real Life– only to have them suddenly start showing up on your Facebook Newsfeed, when they previously haven’t been?

This happens to me all the time.

Is Facebook tracking when our phones come into proximity with each other?

Ok, love you, have a great weekend, don’t worry about it, it’s probably nothing.


Things I Worry About that No One Else in my Family Worries About

4 Jan
  1. How many people are reading this blog
  2. How many followers I have on twitter
  3. How can I win at Facebook
  4. Why do I care about those things
  5. Will I ever publish a book and if so will anyone read it
  6. Would Jon Stewart like me if I ever met him / how can I become him / is there a way to suck his brain out of his body and take it for my own and does it come with his show / is that weird
  7. Is this a poem. Is that a poem.
  8. If my back cracks when I sneeze do I have back cancer
  9. Do dogs think I’m cool

Dear Tricks for Living: a how-to guide for defeating wolves and deodorant stains or at least staving them off

11 Dec

I know about ten tricks for staying alive and being successful in the world so I thought I should share them with you so you too can stay alive:

  1. If you get deodorant on a piece of clothing, rub the fabric against itself. Something about the friction created by the same type of fibers rubbing…ok. I’ll end that comment there.
  2. If a zipper pull breaks (like on a suitcase), you can loop a keyring through and pull on that.
  3. Dog leashes can be looped through themselves to create a two-in-one collar and leash.
  4. Lotion can be used to smooth frizzy hair but your hair will probably look greasy afterward.
  5. You can use shampoo to shave your legs.
  6. Use your fist to tell when meat is done– rare is the soft fatty flesh between your thumb and finger when your hand is relaxed, medium is that bouncy flesh when your thumb and finger are touching, and well done is how that flesh feels when you make a fist.
  7. If you don’t have a corkscrew, you can shear the top of a wine bottle off using a sword or a really, really big knife*, or you can push the cork in with the heel of a stiletto.
  8. Babies can be swaddled using a men’s dress shirt– just think of the sleeves like the arms of a straitjacket.
  9. A snuggie is just a jacket turned around backward.**

That’s it. I guess I only know 9. Crap. Well, maybe I’ll make it through the end of the week.

*Always cut off the top of wine bottles with the sword facing away from you.

**If you die from any of these, I’m not liable. You probably did it wrong.

Anyone here a web designer?

19 Sep

Hey dear readers & friends,

Are any of you web designers? Know someone awesome with great work?

The time has come: Dear Mr. Postman needs a real, honest-to-goodness home. It needs a website made just for it, someplace cozy and well-designed, with lots of light.

A few notes:

  • I’ll pay the going rate.
  • I’m hosted on WordPress now, and wouldn’t mind staying here. (Just need to get off this “theme.”)
  • It *has* to be user-friendly on the back-end.
  • I want someone who can help with logos, images, graphics, colors, the works. I’m not an artist. You are?
  • I’ll happily credit/promote your work.
  • All of this stuff on here now….needs to move with us.

I’m in Seattle, and I’d prefer to work with someone who’s here, too. I don’t have a lot of things in mind, besides functionality (has to be friendly to lots of text) and hopefully a look with lots of personality.

Leave a comment with contact info or email me at


Dear Future Progeny from Hell & How I Might Conceivably Get There

24 Aug

Do you think nerdy kids ever grow up and have cool kids? I don’t mean cool like, “wow that kid can hang.” I mean cool like… “those effing ‘cool’ kids made my life miserable in grades K-12.”

I had this sudden fear today that I’ll give birth to Regina George, and she’ll terrorize me just by existing, and I’ll be hiding in the kitchen drinking wine and whispering what have we done to her father, and he’ll hang up the phone and call the police. Because, obviously. You’re not supposed to contact your anonymous sperm donor. And there’s no way in heaven or hell I’ll end up with anyone capable of producing such genetic material.

On a sidenote, I’m going to a toga party – bbq – campout – wedding reception this weekend! And next weekend I’ve got a wedding in California! What are all these people doing getting married. I could not be more single right now. Unless you’re someone I used to date, in which case, let me send you this picture of an ABC Family Original movie star and hope you don’t recognize him.

I said something to my sister today about how I wanted to date up — you know, like date above my level, like how Taylor Swift is dating a Kennedy. (Or maybe like how a Kennedy is dating Taylor Swift?) Her suggestion? “Better start dating then.” I mean, really.

We’re talking about expanding this blog to include an advice column by her. Since she tells me how to live my life, I figure she might as well do the same for all of you.



PS — I’ll write more about Taylor Swift next week. I have a lot of thoughts. A lot of feelings. I know you care. I’ll share.

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