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Remember when everyone panicked about employers looking at Facebook?

31 Jan

Remember when people used to use dumb insider joke nicknames on Facebook? Oh you still do that? Oh you do that so employers can’t find you so they can’t see all your embarrassing, immature posts? Oh you really think they can’t find you? 

Oh I’m unemployed?

Your mom’s unemployed.

Let’s talk about why middle school has kept me from ever joining a gym

10 Jan

Let’s start with the minor problems of being in a gym, all of which can be summed up with the phrase “other people.” Subsets include:

  • Other people can see you working out.
  • Other people can see how long you’ve been working out. Or not.
  • Other people can see it when your arms or legs get all jelly and shake. 
  • This basically recreates a terrible moment for me from middle school, when we were doing the Presidential Fitness Test. You could either do pull-ups or you could do this terrible thing they’d devised for those of us too weak to ever do a pull-up, called the flexed arm hang. Where you held onto the bar in a “pulled up” position for as along as possible and your tiny female gym teacher with the scary dyed red hair timed you, counting the seconds out loud so everyone could hear, just in case they weren’t capable of counting to “17” on their own.
  • Anyway, at about second 11, my arms started to shake so badly that I actually heard someone in the crowd say, “Look at her arms shake!”
  • Hahaha oh god I’m still proud that I didn’t cry. 

In middle school, I wasn’t actually in all that bad of shape. When I was a kid, I played sports. For some reason people who have only known me as an adult in social situations are amazed by this? I guess because I tend to act horrified when people talk about throwing themselves face-first down cliffs? 

And I do get nervous about signing up for backpacking trips into backcountry with random people who do that stuff all the time, saying yes to boating expeditions into the Arctic North to hunt great white whales…

What if they make me do a flexed arm hang?

I, like a lot of people, quit playing sports when I hit college, and now that I’m an adult, I’ve lost some confidence.

It’s not all psychological: it turns out it’s true that if you do nothing but read books for several years, you get sort of winded and dizzy when you try to hike in 97 degree heat, and end up sitting with your boyfriend’s grandfather in the shade instead of walking on a gently sloping trail. I HAD AN EAR INFECTION. Let’s not talk about it.

Ok, so now I’m trying harder. If you’ve been reading this blog for any length of time, you know that I hate running– but perhaps you’ve also inferred that now I do, in fact, go running. I’m not a good runner but I am stubborn. 

I run slowly and for short distances. I run outside, which is great for several reasons:

  • It gets me outside, which gets me light. I live in Seattle. Even if it’s cloudy, being outside for half an hour gets you your daily dose of Vitamin D. Really. I read about it. 
  • I can run with my dog. Sometimes she sucks though. When she gets tired or bored, she does the pee fake-out, where she pretends to squat so I have to stop. Which I love because it’s a great excuse to stop I resent because I love running so much
  • It solves the “other people” problem. You may not think so, since typically “other people” are allowed to walk around outside and use public spaces, etc. but here’s the thing: if I’m running, and I pass you, you DON’T KNOW how long I’ve been running or how far! I might be running this slowly because I’m warming up for my marathon training, or cooling down after a 10 mile sprint. I might be recovering from double-ACL surgery after doing a Sahara 100 mile race that I won, and just getting back into it. YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE. 
  • Whereas if I’m in a gym, you can see me get on the treadmill and pant and gasp and trip over my shoelaces and sit down and get whizzed off the conveyor belt in a heap. 
  • Here’s the issue: it’s really, really cold outside.

The major problem with being in a gym:

  • Something about gym machines makes me illiterate. I have a graduate degree in reading, basically, and whenever I look at those instructions, all I see is landing directions for a spaceship written in Cyrillic. 
  • It’s like when my friend was putting together a piece of Ikea furniture and loudly protested, “THE PICTURES ARE IN SWEDISH.”
  • And the penalty for getting the machine instructions wrong is breaking my spine. And then having to do a flexed arm hang in front of my crush while worrying about whether or not people were making fun of me for not shaving my legs yet while a math test looms in half an hour.

I was also bad at the V-sit and reach. Which is just mean, to have that double-whammy. It’s a wonder I’m allowed to vote in this country at all.

 

Dear I Hate Running Post #1,129

3 Jan

Here’s something fun I learned this week: 

When it’s this cold out, I do not physically run fast enough to ever warm up. 

Did you guys even know such a thing was possible? Me neither.

The Election is in 18 Days and Things are Getting CRAZY TENSE (on Facebook where it really matters)

19 Oct

I’ve been posting a lot of political stuff on Facebook. I can’t help it. There is so much great election coverage right now, you guys. And people need to know and if I don’t tell them who will??? 

So obviously I started wondering if I’ve been unfriended because of this.

This is totally reasonable to expect in general. And specifically, I have been warned: several people I’m friends with have posted status updates threatening to unfriend anyone who posts political things during this season.

My take on that: Sweet holy tamale, just do it already. Don’t tell me about it. Do you really think your sanctimonious rant about other people’s rants is going to make me change my behavior to cling to you as my FB friend?

My right to post what I want (and yours), your right to unfriend me (or vice versa). If you’re going to bitch about what people post on FB, for god’s sakes, start a blog already and do it over there.

It’s like people have no self-awareness or something.

**

[Since obviously you want to know what I’ve been reading and posting, I’ll repost those here, on this blog post about how annoying people find it when you post political things:

  • Me: “should I keep fast forwarding through this commentary?” My mom: “No! I can hear Rachel!”
  • What about those little three hole protector stickers? Binders Full of Women Tumblr 
  • He was LYING  about the BINDERS?
  • “LOLZ. Sort of. Not really. I don’t know why I said that, actually. It seemed right at the time?” — Morning After Mittens NYMag’s article Mitt Didn’t ask for ‘Binders Full of Women’ But He Should Have
  • By the way, at the end of his four years, Massachusetts was ranked 47th in job creation. He didn’t rerun for governor because he was running for the presidential nomination, sure, but also….because his approval ratings were so low his chances of re-election were slim. For details on his tax plan (LOLZ) click here.
  • If you’re voting in Washington state, and you’ve been thinking “McKenna doesn’t sound that bad…right?” then read this. He’s running a really smart campaign because he cannot win without King County. And King County does not vote for Republicans who appear to be Republicans– so his campaign is really, really misrepresenting where he stands on the issues. From The Stranger: “You may have seen those posters asking you to vote for President Obama, R-74, and Rob McKenna—McKenna opposes both President Obama and R-74—and it’s clever messaging. It is also a complete and total fucking lie. And McKenna is praying that you’re stupid enough to fall for it.” Article here. 
  • And finally, in case you thought voters weren’t being suppressed or intimidated for some reason (because this is the United States, possibly? because it’s illegal? I dunno, there’s lots of reasons you might think that)— or in case you just want to immerse yourself in Rachel Maddow’s sweet hot intellect on a Friday morning– she did a segment on the various barriers to voting currently at work in different parts of the country: watch here. 

/this message approved by Rachel Maddow’s glasses. I think I could pull them off. Do you think I could pull them off? Really sad I have good vision over here, guys. It’s not like I haven’t tried to ruin it for years by reading way too much.]

Dear Taylor Swift who is Dating a Kennedy

29 Aug

You know how sometimes you narrate your life like a young adult novel? “That was the summer Penny first fell in love…”

Work with me here. Just roll with it. Because this summer’s opening lines are fantastic. “That was the summer Katie Holmes left Tom Cruise and surprised us all by being a media ninja…That was the summer K. Stew cheated on R. Patz with a married director by making out him in broad daylight in her Mini Cooper…That was the summer Prince Harry got caught on camera naked in Las Vegas cupping his balls…”

That was the summer Taylor Swift was dating a Kennedy who was still in boarding school, and bought a $5 million dollar house across the street from his family, and together they crashed his cousin’s wedding, and then she sent a private plane from Nashville to pick him up and bring him to her the very first week he was back at school because she missed him so much.

(You can catch up on all the dirt here over at Lainey Gossip.)

Basically a poster for Grease 3: Summer Lovin’ Remixed Styles

Look, I don’t like Taylor Swift. Her songs are basically all retellings of the plot line from She’s All That. Which means she’s just encouraging girls to think that asshat from their high school is suddenly going to turn out to be super sweet, romantic, deep, and into nerdy girls. Buying into this requires buying into the idea that T. Swift was unpopular and “unpretty” in high school. Hahahaha!

Ok, say she was. She certainly hasn’t been for the last ten years. How long do you get to keep playing that card when you’re wearing couture and dating celebrities?

Also she slept with John Mayer. Post-Jessica Simpson, and post-his-super-skeevy-interview-about-post-Jessica-Simpson. And then she’s all “how could you do that to me, I’m so young” in her song? Girl, please!

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