Dear Tricks for Living: a how-to guide for defeating wolves and deodorant stains or at least staving them off

11 Dec

I know about ten tricks for staying alive and being successful in the world so I thought I should share them with you so you too can stay alive:

  1. If you get deodorant on a piece of clothing, rub the fabric against itself. Something about the friction created by the same type of fibers rubbing…ok. I’ll end that comment there.
  2. If a zipper pull breaks (like on a suitcase), you can loop a keyring through and pull on that.
  3. Dog leashes can be looped through themselves to create a two-in-one collar and leash.
  4. Lotion can be used to smooth frizzy hair but your hair will probably look greasy afterward.
  5. You can use shampoo to shave your legs.
  6. Use your fist to tell when meat is done– rare is the soft fatty flesh between your thumb and finger when your hand is relaxed, medium is that bouncy flesh when your thumb and finger are touching, and well done is how that flesh feels when you make a fist.
  7. If you don’t have a corkscrew, you can shear the top of a wine bottle off using a sword or a really, really big knife*, or you can push the cork in with the heel of a stiletto.
  8. Babies can be swaddled using a men’s dress shirt– just think of the sleeves like the arms of a straitjacket.
  9. A snuggie is just a jacket turned around backward.**

That’s it. I guess I only know 9. Crap. Well, maybe I’ll make it through the end of the week.

*Always cut off the top of wine bottles with the sword facing away from you.

**If you die from any of these, I’m not liable. You probably did it wrong.

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