Dear Taylor Swift who is Dating a Kennedy

29 Aug

You know how sometimes you narrate your life like a young adult novel? “That was the summer Penny first fell in love…”

Work with me here. Just roll with it. Because this summer’s opening lines are fantastic. “That was the summer Katie Holmes left Tom Cruise and surprised us all by being a media ninja…That was the summer K. Stew cheated on R. Patz with a married director by making out him in broad daylight in her Mini Cooper…That was the summer Prince Harry got caught on camera naked in Las Vegas cupping his balls…”

That was the summer Taylor Swift was dating a Kennedy who was still in boarding school, and bought a $5 million dollar house across the street from his family, and together they crashed his cousin’s wedding, and then she sent a private plane from Nashville to pick him up and bring him to her the very first week he was back at school because she missed him so much.

(You can catch up on all the dirt here over at Lainey Gossip.)

Basically a poster for Grease 3: Summer Lovin’ Remixed Styles

Look, I don’t like Taylor Swift. Her songs are basically all retellings of the plot line from She’s All That. Which means she’s just encouraging girls to think that asshat from their high school is suddenly going to turn out to be super sweet, romantic, deep, and into nerdy girls. Buying into this requires buying into the idea that T. Swift was unpopular and “unpretty” in high school. Hahahaha!

Ok, say she was. She certainly hasn’t been for the last ten years. How long do you get to keep playing that card when you’re wearing couture and dating celebrities?

Also she slept with John Mayer. Post-Jessica Simpson, and post-his-super-skeevy-interview-about-post-Jessica-Simpson. And then she’s all “how could you do that to me, I’m so young” in her song? Girl, please!

I believe John Mayer was out of her comfort zone, that it wasn’t good for her. I believe girls do dumb things (like boys do), thinking they know what they’re in for and that they can handle it, and then are surprised when they actually get hurt in the aftermath.

And so maybe dating a high schooler as a 22 year-old international star is sort of a boomerang from that, a rebound into safe territory: date a teenager instead of a dickweedbag.

But don’t your cynicism levels necessarily rise along with your STI antibodies after you let that scumstick in you? And how on earth does she keep getting away with this whole “virginal” image? WE ALL KNOW, TAYLOR.

You write songs about it. You are terrible at keeping things vague. We all know all of it.

  • Jonas brother.

    Creepy van-man eyes. How could you go for a ride?

  • Taylor Lautner. Broke up with him because he was “too nice.” See? She wanted some bad boy.
  • Kanye West. Sure, they didn’t technically date, but whatever! This was probably one of the most important male relationships of her life. It’s definitely been pivotal, because I’m pretty sure that…
  • John “Walking Clap” Mayer got in her pants by playing off Kanye’s lil’ tantrum. I picture it going something like this: “You’re just way too sweet & young to ever deserve that sort of treatment! I mean, most artists, they could take it, but you shouldn’t have to because your songs…they’re just so…it’s not your fault they gave the award to you.” See?
  • Jake Gyllenhaal. Gwyneth Paltrow set them up. They went apple-picking. He ditched her, maybe because he realized she wants to be 16, and he doesn’t want to date a 16-year-old? (Call me, Jake G!)
  • Conor Kennedy.

(Did I miss any? I did that all from memory. I’m sick, please send help.)

God, just looking at that list, the narrative’s so clear. We know exactly what she wants because she’s basically a walking stock role in a romance (or that’s the image she’s projecting). Which is also how this 18 year-old Kennedy kid knows how to get her.

First of all, he probably didn’t have to do any of this, because his last name is Kennedy, and she wants nothing more than to be a princess.

But say he tried a couple of moves anyway, because he’s 18, and he’s practicing. Say you want to get Taylor Swift. Tell her she’s beautiful. Say you’ve never met anyone like her before. You’ve never felt this way about anyone. You think you two were meant to meet like this. Stare at her until she notices you looking and when she says what, answer nothing. Be a little withholding: tell her just enough that she knows there’s something you’re not saying. Anytime you’re near water, take a few minutes to stare out into the waves and talk about how calm the ocean makes you feel. Take her to your mother’s grave.

Yeah, he did that. He took her to his mother’s grave. That’s A-Level stuff, kid, soon you’ll be in the major leagues.

What do YOU wear to visit your 18 year-old boyfriend’s mother’s grave?

Chick bought a $5 million dollar house across the street from his parents. Keep it in your pants, T. Swift! Make him work a little! Maybe use “The Rules”? I hear that’s how Blake Lively got Ryan Reynolds (“the rules” are what she calls her breasts, apparently, because let’s be honest, that’s all she needs).

How do you think the Kennedys are going to lock down the break-up song? They won’t be able to. I hope it coincides with her decision to get edgy and spill details. Then again, maybe there won’t be a break-up song. Maybe there’ll be a wedding song. I really hope so. I hope they get engaged, and then get disowned, and then have a baby, and then get welcomed back into the family, and I hope Taylor tries to wear white all through her pregnancy like it’s immaculate conception, and that she and Miley Cyrus are preggers together, and that Miley says things like, “Well, when you’re a young mom like Taylor and I…”

But I doubt it. They’ll break up. HE’S EIGHTEEN. He’ll figure out he can probably bone Katie Perry. I hope he does figure that out. I’d like to see Katie’s take on “Kennedy attire.”

You know who else is 18? Justin Bieber. You know who else is 22? Kristen Stewart. Now there’s a sex tape I’d pay to see. I imagine things going horribly, horribly wrong.

You’re welcome.

MM

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