Dear Future Progeny from Hell & How I Might Conceivably Get There

24 Aug

Do you think nerdy kids ever grow up and have cool kids? I don’t mean cool like, “wow that kid can hang.” I mean cool like… “those effing ‘cool’ kids made my life miserable in grades K-12.”

I had this sudden fear today that I’ll give birth to Regina George, and she’ll terrorize me just by existing, and I’ll be hiding in the kitchen drinking wine and whispering what have we done to her father, and he’ll hang up the phone and call the police. Because, obviously. You’re not supposed to contact your anonymous sperm donor. And there’s no way in heaven or hell I’ll end up with anyone capable of producing such genetic material.

On a sidenote, I’m going to a toga party – bbq – campout – wedding reception this weekend! And next weekend I’ve got a wedding in California! What are all these people doing getting married. I could not be more single right now. Unless you’re someone I used to date, in which case, let me send you this picture of an ABC Family Original movie star and hope you don’t recognize him.

I said something to my sister today about how I wanted to date up — you know, like date above my level, like how Taylor Swift is dating a Kennedy. (Or maybe like how a Kennedy is dating Taylor Swift?) Her suggestion? “Better start dating then.” I mean, really.

We’re talking about expanding this blog to include an advice column by her. Since she tells me how to live my life, I figure she might as well do the same for all of you.



PS — I’ll write more about Taylor Swift next week. I have a lot of thoughts. A lot of feelings. I know you care. I’ll share.


One Response to “Dear Future Progeny from Hell & How I Might Conceivably Get There”


  1. This is how I feel about babies in case you were wondering or if you were thinking about taking me home to your mother « Dear Mr. Postman - 24 November 2012

    […] likely to ever get bored and drop a baby” person on the planet. Maybe because I write things like this on the […]

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