Dear Girls Not Getting Married Pinning to “Wedding” on Pinterest

2 Jul

You know we can all see that on Facebook, right? And even if you’ve turned that setting off, which none of you have, your pinterest account is public. Pinterest is basically an elaborate shaming device. Which is great for me, because I was getting sick of writing about Facebook.

Look, I know that some girls dream about their wedding from a very young age (not me) and some of us read wedding blogs even though we are single (I LIKE THE ARTICLES ABOUT FEMINISM AND GENDER RELATIONS, OK?).

But we used to have enough shame to hide that shit under our beds.

I’m not saying women need to be ashamed of the fact that they like weddings. But ok, yes, I am saying that women need to be ashamed enough of their obsessions with weddings to keep it to the privacy of their own homes. When they’re not engaged, discussing marriage, or getting married next week.

The search for a lifelong partner is a worthwhile one. The dream shade of the perfect off-white cream for cupcake frosting is not. It’s a temporary obsession and madness that I will completely let you get away with if you are planning your nuptials. And if I really, really like you. And if I ask. And if we can stop talking about if within a strict parameter of time. And if I get to eat the cupcakes.

Not otherwise.

Don’t contribute to the WIC (Wedding Industrial Complex). Don’t contribute to me wondering if you are engaged, then realizing that you are single or that you are 19 and have been with your boyfriend for six months, and then judging you for being a Taylor Swift. If you’re pinning to “wedding,” don’t blame me for starting every phone call with, “So, NEWS?” That’s just fair play on my part. If I get really irked, I’ll call your grandma and tell her you’ve always wanted to wear her dress and have a traditional church wedding.

Friends don’t let friends create wedding pins on Pinterest. That’s what the folder labeled “taxes” on your computer is for.

DID YOU KNOW PORNTEREST EXISTS? I’ll let you look that up for yourself. This is the “P” from it’s logo. See how it looks like a penis? Obviously the founder is one of those entrepreneurial chaps. Probably an art major. Maybe the next Picasso?

And then I instagrammed that. I know how all you pinteresters love that. Basically all weddings are grainy and pre-faded now, which is confusing. Does the spray-tan place offer sepia-tone now? Do you make your whole wedding party go in fully dressed? How do you do the venue and the grass? Anyway, feel free to pin the hell out of it.

PS– It really will scare your boyfriend. Really. No matter how committed he is or how in love with you he is (I’m sure he’s both). I actually think that the young male instinctual terror of marriage is quite sensible.


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