Archive | July, 2012

Dear Heroes: why do you wear leather?

31 Jul

Why do heroes and action stars wear leather? Isn’t it hot? Don’t they sweat and get sticky? How do they get into and out of those tight pants? Batman obviously has Michael Caine to help him. What about the others? It seems uncomfortable? And not practical? Leather protects you, but any leather thick enough to deflect a knife is so stiff you won’t be able to move. Have you seen how cowboys walk with chaps on? And they wear pants beneath. For a reason. How does Catwoman move? Is there a lot of chafing?

Catwoman’s not so sexy if she’s super rashy.

It really seems like some sort of dri-tech would be a better choice. Wicking. Wicking seems key. Has no one thought of this?


Dear Prophecies of Childhood: Names Do Matter, Just Not Your Own

17 Jul

When we were little, my bff and I were talking about baby names, like you do. 

My (white) bff, who’d just moved to Seattle from Madison Wisconsin, decided she wanted to have triplets when she grew up and name them Angelique, Dominique, and Monique. 

I (also white, in case you missed it) said I wanted to have twins and name them Casey and Cassie.

She grew up to be a leader of the LGBTQI organization at her college, major in African American Studies, have tattoos, and run off to San Francisco the minute she was out of school. She works in a museum and doesn’t believe in marriage and recently cut all her hair off.

I grew up to be pretty boring.



Dear “Cool” Girlfriends: This Myth is Terrible for Everyone and I Don’t Know Why We Buy Into It

10 Jul

You know that cultural rumor that there are “cool” girlfriends and “uncool” girlfriends?

“Cool” girlfriends:

  • are cool with their boyfriends drinking a lot
  • and playing video-games
  • and sitting on the couch while the girlfriend cleans the house
  • they don’t ask too many questions
  • they’re down with their boyfriends spending money on “toys”: sports equipment, cars, power tools, guns, motorcycles
  • they’re okay with hard partying and they party hard, too. but if their bf wants to go party hard with his boys and maybe some other girls, that’s okay too.
  • “cool” girlfriends like watching sports, but also like making sandwiches for men. 
  • they also are athletic and can keep up and play hard and hang tough with the boys
  • but they also don’t mind being left out of sports when told it’s “just the boys today.”
  • “cool” girlfriends are into sex: copious amounts, and maybe some weird stuff, but definitely not more than their

    “Cool” girlfriends have definitely had a whip cream bikini on their body at some point.

    boyfriends and not weirder than their boyfriends, and there’s some magic balance of previous sex partners that they’ve had where they know “how to do stuff” but the boyfriends are never confronted with too much evidence of previous sex partners.

  • they like jet skis.
  • they’re okay with their boyfriend having girls that are friends, even if those girls-that-are-friends are super hot and very flirtatious and are known for having stolen other people’s boyfriends in the past
  • they dress well and look good all the time but don’t spend a lot of time shopping, or at least don’t require their boyfriends to ever participate in said shopping. unless it’s for lingerie. then it’s sexy lingerie. 
  • “cool” girlfriends don’t wear pajamas. and they don’t get cold.
  • they don’t like to “talk.” they especially don’t like to have “The Talk.” ever. 
  • but their devotion is unwavering. except there’s a little unavailability mixed in. never clingy, never distant. they’re basically like a feral cat who shows up at regular feeding times. and by food I mean sex. and food, but they’re the ones providing it, not expecting to be fed.

Dear Girls Not Getting Married Pinning to “Wedding” on Pinterest

2 Jul

You know we can all see that on Facebook, right? And even if you’ve turned that setting off, which none of you have, your pinterest account is public. Pinterest is basically an elaborate shaming device. Which is great for me, because I was getting sick of writing about Facebook.

Look, I know that some girls dream about their wedding from a very young age (not me) and some of us read wedding blogs even though we are single (I LIKE THE ARTICLES ABOUT FEMINISM AND GENDER RELATIONS, OK?).

But we used to have enough shame to hide that shit under our beds.

I’m not saying women need to be ashamed of the fact that they like weddings. But ok, yes, I am saying that women need to be ashamed enough of their obsessions with weddings to keep it to the privacy of their own homes. When they’re not engaged, discussing marriage, or getting married next week.

The search for a lifelong partner is a worthwhile one. The dream shade of the perfect off-white cream for cupcake frosting is not. It’s a temporary obsession and madness that I will completely let you get away with if you are planning your nuptials. And if I really, really like you. And if I ask. And if we can stop talking about if within a strict parameter of time. And if I get to eat the cupcakes.

Not otherwise.

Don’t contribute to the WIC (Wedding Industrial Complex). Don’t contribute to me wondering if you are engaged, then realizing that you are single or that you are 19 and have been with your boyfriend for six months, and then judging you for being a Taylor Swift. If you’re pinning to “wedding,” don’t blame me for starting every phone call with, “So, NEWS?” That’s just fair play on my part. If I get really irked, I’ll call your grandma and tell her you’ve always wanted to wear her dress and have a traditional church wedding.

Friends don’t let friends create wedding pins on Pinterest. That’s what the folder labeled “taxes” on your computer is for.

DID YOU KNOW PORNTEREST EXISTS? I’ll let you look that up for yourself. This is the “P” from it’s logo. See how it looks like a penis? Obviously the founder is one of those entrepreneurial chaps. Probably an art major. Maybe the next Picasso?

And then I instagrammed that. I know how all you pinteresters love that. Basically all weddings are grainy and pre-faded now, which is confusing. Does the spray-tan place offer sepia-tone now? Do you make your whole wedding party go in fully dressed? How do you do the venue and the grass? Anyway, feel free to pin the hell out of it.

PS– It really will scare your boyfriend. Really. No matter how committed he is or how in love with you he is (I’m sure he’s both). I actually think that the young male instinctual terror of marriage is quite sensible.

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