Archive | May, 2012

Books: Sag Harbor by Colson Whitehead

31 May
Book: Sag Harbor
Author: Colson Whitehead
Genre: Literary summer reading.
Basics: 1985, Hamptons, African American community, boys run amok
Soundtrack: Balance by Future Islands / Ain’t No Stopping Us Now by McFadden and Whitehead

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Dear I Am Now Going to Write for Portlandia, Please Pre-Send Your Congratulations

30 May

Welp, guys, it’s official. Both my mom and my dad have suggested that I “write for that show about Portland.” Because, according to my mom, “I don’t know, it just reminds me of how funny you are!” and according to my dad, “Because it seems fun to write for a show like that.” 

Yes, because the reason why I’m not writing for a hit award-winning television series is because ugh, it just seems like a drag

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Dear Living at My Parents’ House Post-Graduate School: things are going to be weird around here for a while

25 May

My dad’s 45th high school reunion is this month. He went to Kamehameha, a school for Native Hawaiian children. Yes, only for children with native blood. It was left to educate Hawaii’s youth by the royal family. Private, subsidized, funded by a royal trust that owns most of downtown Waikiki. Military. It was a boarding school on Oahu back in the day, when my dad went– now it’s expanded to other islands and there are day school branches.

I don’t know if everyone who went to Kam School is this crazy, but my dad’s class? They have a reunion every year. And it’s not just a four-hour luau in someone’s garage. They take cruises together. They go to Las Vegas together. Trips. With your high school class.

This year, because it’s the 45th, it’s special: it’s eight days long. YOU HEARD ME. My dad says this may not all be his class’s doing– every year, all the classes celebrating 5-year anniversaries get together and there are planned events: golf tournaments, beach picnics, etc. Of course, this doesn’t account for the 10-15 emails he’s getting a day about just the things his class will be doing. A bus field trip out to this beach, their own class’s golf tournament, etc.

Guess where they stay: in the dorms.

Boarding school experiences are weird.

Pretty sure I’m going to have major ambivalence about spending four hours at my high school reunion (two years from now), much less eight days.

I just got the save-the-date for my first high-school-friend’s-wedding. It’s not in Seattle, so I’m not sure yet whether I’ll be able to go. All I can tell you is that my first thoughts were A) I better look hot and B) If I’m still living in my parents’ house by then, I’m lying.

Of course, now I’ve just put that on this blog, so I’m screwed.

Look, I just graduated from graduate school, and the economy sucks, and I went to art school– not exactly career-oriented in the best of times. I didn’t have a lot of reasons to stay in San Diego– it’s nice, I like it, it’s not my place, Seattle is my place— so now I’m back in Seattle. I don’t have a job, I don’t have a place to live, it doesn’t particularly make sense to find a place to live before I have a job (or a plan). What if I sign a lease and then get offered a great job in Portland? Or even, what if I find a place in Ballard and then get a job in Capital Hill? That may sound dumb, but if you live in Seattle, you just shuddered.

So I’m living with my parents for the foreseeable future. And “exploring my options.”

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Dear Things That Are Blowing My Mind at My Parents’ House

24 May

1. Having more than one floor.

2. For that matter, having more than one room.

3. Let’s not even get into having more than one bathroom.

4. When you walk out the door, you’re outside. There is more than one door that leads to the outside. There is also a garage you can park in with a door that leads inside and a really big door that leads outside.

5. Print newspapers.

6. The amount of fresh bread in the house. The fully stocked fridge. Extra boxes of Kleenex waiting in the bathroom cupboard.

7. Non-quarter-operated washing machine and dryer. Dishwasher! Garbage disposal!  

8. Cable.

9. Landline.

10. Fresh milk delivery. 

Things are weird around here.

MM

Dear Bret Easton Ellis and Paul Schrader, You’re Famous, WTF Are You Doing on Kickstarter

17 May

I do love that tagline: “It’s not the Hills…” Hahahaha!

At first I saw that Bret Easton Ellis and Paul Schrader were making a movie together and I was all, Yessssssssssssssssss.

Then I processed the fact that they’re doing a Kickstarter project to fund it. Something about “creative control BLAH BLAH BLAH, not relying on the industry or a studio WANK WANK WANK.”

GUYS. Kickstarter is for people who are not Bret Easton Ellis or Paul SchraderKickstarter is for us poor suckers who want to someday be Bret Easton Ellis or Paul Schrader.

“A kind of DIY mentality, shooting with friends, shooting on low-cost equipment, then it moves to setting up a website, going on Facebook, and the next step is you’re going on Let It Cast to start casting, next step is you’re all of a sudden going on Kickstarter to bring in an audience base….and it’s all part of a new way– I mean, I personally think that films, right now, are sort of where they were 100 years ago, they’re being reinvented right in front of our eyes.” — Paul Schrader

OH MY GOD. Paul Schrader, we have a DIY mentality and we shoot with friends and shoot on low-cost equipment because we have no other options. Because we don’t have access to studios, or expensive equipment. And we’re hoping and praying and selling our souls that one of our “friends” turns out to be the next Bret Easton Ellis, we are not actually working with Bret Easton Ellis. 

You made it! You don’t have to do this crap anymore! You’re being nostalgic for when you were young and broke and poor and no one knew your names. That is the worst kind of indulgent, narcissistic, amnesia-fueled midlife crisis there is. If you really want to do a Kickstarter project, you should all be required to eat nothing but cereal and Top Ramen for the duration of the project, and you should have to beg your parents to keep paying your cell phone bills and also ask if maybe you can use their garage for a shooting location if you promise, promise, promise to clean up?

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