Dear I’ve never seen Titanic: do I see it now?

13 Apr

I didn't know Rose and Jack were into light choking play! Maybe I really should go see this movie.

I’m going to tell you guys a secret that I’ve never told anyone except whoever is around whenever the subject comes up: I’ve never seen Titanic.

It came out in December 1997. I was in sixth grade then. This doesn’t explain why I didn’t see it. Crista Saunders saw it FOURTEEN TIMES IN THE THEATER. That’s 2,716 minutes. Or 45.27 hours of her life. Probably more because that doens’t factor in previews. Of course, there weren’t ads back then, so it really was previews. It’s $105 (if movies were $7.50 back then, which I think is about right). Where does a sixth grader get that kind of money? How does a sixth grader convince her mother to give her a ride to the mall and then pick her up that many weekends in a row? Was it in the theater for 14 weeks (3.5 months)? Is that how long blockbuster movies stick around? Or did she see it multiple times in one weekend?

This of course does not factor in how many times she listened to the soundtrack in between viewings.

Frank saw it twice in the theaters. He was in 8th grade and he says it was because his middle school girlfriend let him touch her breasts afterward. Let’s face it: he couldn’t resist the romance. We were in a leaky canoe once and he kept crying, “I’ll never let go” in a falsely high voice which is what he does when he’s “being ironic” but is actually sincere (god he’s just like Will Arnett). I suppose I don’t have to tell you that “I’ll never let you go” is Rose’s line.

And he’s always trying to sneak up behind me when we’re on any kind of height– he pretends it’s a sexual advance but that doesn’t explain why his arms are outspread and his eyes are closed.

(He’s accepted the Will Arnett reference as a compliment. But is mad about everything else and now is angry-making my sandwich for lunch, saying something about emasculation and and a gun show. I’m like, I hear you and I respect you. More avocado, Winslet, less whine with that cheese.)

So! The Pros (to see it) and Cons (to not see it) List:

Pro: Leo’s, you know, whatever. Not sure I get the deal with him but I’m not against it.

Con: That terrible dye job on Kate Winslet’s hair. Seriously, why does no one talk about that?

Pro: In my sister’s words: That movie holds up. I watch it every time it comes on TV. I mean, we’re years out, so that’s pretty compelling. Other movies on her list: Overboard and My Cousin Vinny. In case you need verification of her taste. Works for me.

Con: I get seasick. I also get 3D-sick. You can think this is ridiculous if you want, but I had to leave Jeff, Who Lives at Home the other night halfway through because of all the handheld camera work and Frank wouldn’t let me puke in his popcorn bucket. He also won’t tell me the ending. I’m withholding handholding in public in retribution.

Kate Winslet: "You know, he’s fatter now. I’m thinner.” (The Hollywood Reporter)
Leo: This may look like I'm picking my teeth but it's a "fuck off" gesture from my international supermodel girlfriend's country. How's Sam Mendes? Still old?

Pro: Let’s be honest, even the preview makes me tear up a little. Celine Dion’s voice is basically a really hard pinch straight to every falsely-romantic belief that we hold despite our best intentions because we’re brainwashed from birth. These beliefs destroy our chances of being happy with perfectly nice, sort of smelly guys. They make us think the dicks in our high schools are secretly nice. They’re ruining Ryan Gosling’s life right now and also maybe women’s chances of being taken seriously when we say we want “partners” and not “Fabio.”

I mean, if you were to describe what you want in a life partner, you would totally say, “Willing to die in a horrific luxury-cruise crash with stupid boy-band bangs in his face after he asks me to pose nude for him while he sketches me instead of gets it on,” right? Because women don’t like sex. (Frank says: “I knew it!” I say: “Don’t touch me.”)

Con: Look at what I just wrote. I might lose my cred as a cynic and hater if I see Titanic and like it. Frank might go back to scrapbooking mementos from our dates. All that mocking I did to create internal shame in him would be wasted. (“It was a MAN JOURNAL!” he says. Yeah. Like that’s a thing.)

Pro: Obviously, it has shaped an entire generation’s understanding of romance (or, you know, the female half). As Frank says, no wonder I laugh at him when he says stupid sweet things to me. Maybe men should watch Titanic. Maybe Ryan Gosling studies it every night. New formula, guys: watch Titanic, therefore date Eva Mendes. There’s your marketing campaign to beat The Hunger Games.

Pro: As Frank says, “Car sex.”

Pro: I love a period drama. Lord Grantham’s in it! Orchestras and turn-of-the-century cleavage!

Con: I can rewatch all of BBC’s Sherlock Holmes (hold me, Cumberbatch! carve my heart with your cheekbones!) in the time it’ll take me to see Titanic. I can drive to Los Angeles and back. I can go to Mexico and get food poisoning and recover from it. I can fly to Paris and look at every major work in the Louvre. I can rewrite all the lyrics to “My Heart Will Go On” with a key theme of “If We Ever Met, Drake, I Know You’d Love Me and Frank Has Given His Permission Because Duh” and become a viral internet sensation.

The only thing that feels longer than watching a movie that long is Mitt Romney’s campaign.

My bladder can’t take it.

Pro: I can eat a lot of chocolate-covered gummy bears in that time.

Leo says thumbs up. His Bieber bangs make me sad. I mean, is this even him? This image came up when I googled "Titanic movie." This might be one of the Backstreet Boys. Were they in it?

Con: I can just read Lindy West’s recap of it on Jezebel.

Con: Once I see it, I can’t unsee it, as someone helpfully pointed out on Twitter. This is how I feel about all Katherine Heigl movies. And Tucker Max’s face. And all of the Republican candidates’ campaigns.

Pro: My friend, who had Titanic on VHS— two tapes!— used to watch only the first tape, where nobody dies. Her younger brother? Used to watch only the second. As someone who still has the final Dawson’s Creek episode on a tv-recorded VHS, this makes me like both of them, immensely.

Con: I know the ending.

Score: I’m worried I’m drowning in the schmaltz. It’s pulling me in! I can’t resist! Send help.



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3 Responses to “Dear I’ve never seen Titanic: do I see it now?”

  1. Anonymous 14 April 2012 at 9:40 am #

    No H in Crista, dear. Also, how do you know that?? Titanic is worth watching once. Preferably for free, or for a dollar when it’s re-released through redbox. Tipsy, at home so you can make comments out loud. And sing along.

    -A

    • MM 14 April 2012 at 11:42 am #

      I don’t know how I know that. Instead of geography my mind stores middle school minutiae?

      Noted re: Titanic. You don’t think it’s worth the experience of the GIANT IMAX SCREEN so I can feel the icy waters closing over my head and simulate a panic attack?

      • Anonymous 16 April 2012 at 8:08 pm #

        The coolest part of the movie is when the boat breaks in two and you watch half the boat stand on end and sink into the watery depths. There’s also a lot of surround sound creaking I can’t replicate in my living room. I will say that watching Titanic on the big screen is thus far the closest I have been to a glacier, but if you’re looking for a true 3D experience, you could always draw a cold bath and watch it on a laptop propped precariously on your bathroom sink.

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