Dear House Husband

4 Apr

Dear House Husband,

I’ve decided that what this blog needs is some witty back and forth between me and a fed-up partner who doesn’t understand me and whom i purposefully misunderstand, preferably a house-husband. Like this, which is one of the funniest things I’ve read in a long time.

Now obviously I sometimes use my sister in this role, who is a good sport about it and not only lets me say things about her on this blog, but also very helpfully points out every single typo I make on this blog. And sometimes will helpfully say things like, “It would be funnier if…”

And sometimes will even extremely helpfully say things like, “Well maybe what your blog needs is to…” which always amounts to one of two things: 1. maybe what my blog needs is to be famous. 2. maybe what my blog needs is to be entirely different / appeal to more people so that it can become famous. The thing that kills me is I agree with her, and then I hide from writing anything for several days because of the shame spiral.

I come from a very supportive family. You’d think we’re WASPS but we’re not, we’re Catholic, so.

No, really, my sister is great, and she lets me call her when I’m crying and tells me to watch terrible TV for a while, which is great advice for almost any situation, and we spent over an hour last week talking about the sex, race, and class issues in and around The Hunger Games, so obviously I need her desperately. Also: we’re practically activists.

The point is, it might be time for me to let her off the hook. And the only reasonable solution then is to make up an imaginary boyfriend for the purposes of this blog. Weird? Yes. Potentially off-putting to new suitors? Definitely. Creepy when some creeper on the internet decides to make himself in the image of said imaginary boyfriend? Yes…but also– maybe awesome when I realize I have the power to make humans redesign themselves into my idea of them. (Side benefit.)

I’ll name him Frank.

Frank, by the way, thinks this is a terrible idea, but I think he’s just nervous that I’ll tell you all about how he secretly likes Ashton Kutcher, although he’s very upset with him right now for that whole thing with Demi. I keep trying to tell him it’s ok to express his emotions but he just glares at me and turns on hockey so he can pretend he’s crying because his team is losing.

Apparently Frank is Canadian. Apparently one of the side benefits of having Frank around is that I have cable again.

This is working out even better than I thought.




2 Responses to “Dear House Husband”


  1. Dear I’ve never seen Titanic: do I see it now? « Dear Mr. Postman - 13 April 2012

    […] Frank saw it twice in the theaters. He was in 8th grade and he says it was because his middle school girlfriend let him touch her breasts afterward. Let’s face it: he couldn’t resist the romance. We were in a leaky canoe once and he kept crying, “I’ll never let go” in a falsely high voice which is what he does when he’s “being ironic” but is actually sincere (god he’s just like Will Arnett). I suppose I don’t have to tell you that “I’ll never let you go” is Rose’s line. […]

  2. Dear “Girls” « Dear Mr. Postman - 1 May 2012

    […] Frank, by the way, is in the background muttering “Thank god” and “So can you stop telling me what all the articles say already?” Because I also have a compulsive need to click-click on any analysis about “Girls.”   […]

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