Dear College Roommate (The Creepy One)

22 Feb

Dear College Roommate (The Creepy One),

I had a terrible roommate my first year of college. You’re like, “WHATEVER! I had a roommate with a porn and cheetos addiction! My room smelled like Lindsay Lohan’s hair!”

My roommate was a very sweet round little Chinese girl who I will call Dee, who had hair hanging all the way down her back to her butt. She wore full-length flannel nightgowns with bows and ribbons around the collar and the wrists. She was a biochem major, and was out of the room from 8 am – 9 pm most days, at which point she came home, did something on her computer for exactly an hour (Problem sets? The Facebook? AIM?) (YES, it was called THE Facebook then, and yes, no one was on gchat) and then went to bed, smelling and looking like a grandmother.

You say: “She sounds like a great roommate! Out of the room all day? Perfect!”

I say: She also had one extremely long fingernail on her left index finger, that was yellow and cracked and hooked. And — did I forget to mention? Dee was a chicken enthusiast.

Her half of the room was lined with pictures of chickens. That’s she’d cut out of calendars. As in, chicken pin-ups.

“So Dee! You like chickens! …..Right?” I said shortly after moving in, practicing my newly acquired adult small-talk skills.

“I don’t like them….I love them,” she said (I kid you not).

“Oh. Um. So…do you have any?”

At which point she told me that she had eight chickens at her parents’ house and told me their breeds– helpfully pointing out their characteristics via the calendar pin-ups– and names. And I was nodding and thinking, I used to have a dog. People like their pets. I can understand that. These are her pets. I will be supportive of her chicken enthusiasm. Seems harmless enough.

“I used to have eighteen chickens. I loved each and every one of them and knew all of their names. One day, though, a raccoon or something got in and slaughtered over half of them,” Dee said.

She’d been facing her computer while we have this conversation, her hair half-hanging over her face as if it was too painful to talk about while making eye contact. Her one long fingernail creeped out from her finger like a baby dragon claw grafted onto her hand. Her nightgown trailed modestly to the floor.

Like this:

Dee, the Chicken Enthusiast

Except, you know, at a generic college-issued pine desk and not a creepy old well.

“So I said to myself,” Dee continued, “That I was going to catch that raccoon that killed my chickens with a trap, and I was going to kill it, and I was going to chop it up and feed it to my chickens.”

She turned around and looked at me. “And that’s exactly what I did.”

I peed my pants.

No, really, I sort of blanched and said something like “Glrmph.” Which I hoped she interpreted to mean, “Fascinating, please don’t kill me in my sleep.” Then I ran out of the room and told the first person I happened to see, because I was a terrible person. I’ve gotten better, obviously, since now I tell the Internet things. Back then I didn’t understand how selfish it was to share such things on a first come, first served basis. Elitist, really.

Our only other notable interaction was on her birthday, when I came home from class and found Dee sitting on her bed holding a cupcake. A boy who looked like Orin from Parks and Recreation sat next to her:

Too bad Photoshop gives me aneurysms or I could put these two next to each other on a dorm bed holding a cupcake. Kind of sweet, really.

I fled for the common room down the hall and stayed there until 3 a.m. watching movies. I’m surprised I ever went back, to be honest.

Hopefully Dee got some that night. Orin seemed like a nice boy. I mean, he brought her a cupcake! I wonder if they put a sheet over the chicken pin-ups so they wouldn’t get jealous.

I live alone now.



6 Responses to “Dear College Roommate (The Creepy One)”

  1. Anonymous 22 February 2012 at 11:26 am #

    While that girl was crazy and the chicken obsession was intense, I do appreciate her hatred for raccoons.

  2. MM 22 February 2012 at 11:40 am #

    And with just that one comment, I know who this is…

  3. nwunye 22 February 2012 at 2:05 pm #

    I think I have just died from laughing. It’s my ghost typing this. (Yes, I already mastered the art of concentrating and moving the keys. It’s awesome.)

  4. Skhor 22 February 2012 at 7:41 pm #

    Hahahaha…..oh McCarty…and Dee…

  5. Anonymous 24 February 2012 at 2:17 pm #

    This is hilarious. Thanks for the laugh today!

  6. Anonymous 8 March 2012 at 5:34 pm #

    Wow. That made me laugh out loud. Thanks for that. 🙂

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