Dear Facebook Comments on Engagement Status Updates

27 Jan

Dear Facebook Comments on Engagement Status Updates,

It’s January, so everyone’s gearing up for wedding season. Which is in the summer, I believe, unless you live in the Southwest, and then it *should* be in the winter, but for some warped reason, is not. Or maybe it is, what do I know.

The point is, people on my FB newsfeed are getting engaged, and good for them, whatever. I say whatever because I have basically no opinions on whether or not they should be— if I find out about an engagement on FB, chances are good I’m not in that close touch with the couple and really can’t speak to their “readiness.”

Right about now you’re all, “Whaaaa? No opinions? What is even happening right now?” And you’re flailing your arms around like a muppet without a puppeteer, because your world is crashing down around you.

Yes. That is how much I imagine you care about the things I say. Leave me to it.

So people— let’s call them Adam and Eve, random names I picked for no reason, certainly no other couple in the world has ever been paired with those monikers— get engaged on FB. I mean, they get engaged in real life (at least I hope), and then they put it on FB. And they’ve been together for 2.6 years, and own 1.3 dogs and have 6.7 Apple products between the two of them, and 17.8 pieces of Ikea furniture. Adam and Eve post 123 pictures of food on FB per year, and 1,234 vacation pictures, and only wear matching sunglasses ironically.

Ok, so I’m lying. They totally wear the matching sunglasses sincerely, and it’s more like 14.2 Apple products. The point is, they’ve been together a decent length of time, and they’re 25 years old.

And then about 345 people “like” the engagement status post and say a bunch of things like, “Congratulations!” and “Congrats!” and just the word “C!” which I assume in this context continues to communicate felicitations, and not the other C-word. But maybe that post was from an ex, what do I know. But he should keep it to himself at that point.

And then approximately half the people (that would be 172.5) say some variation of this: “Finally!” or “It’s about time!” or “It’s been too long!”

Now look, I’ve had some tank tops longer than 2.6 years. I know couples who have been together for 8 years without getting married. (This does not make them “casual” or “unsure,” by the way. And no, these are not people who “don’t believe” in marriage and so will never get married. They just haven’t. Yet.) I’ve been with my coffeepot for four years now, and while I like it, and it makes me happy every single day, I’m not ready to marry it. And yes, sure, my parents got married at 26, but I turn 26 in March, and I think I might spend my birthday going to see The Hunger Games.

Not that married people don’t like The Hunger Games, too, but perhaps you get my drift. Twenty-five year olds are doing different things now than they used to…..for example, my aunt and uncle were going to see Animal House, not The Hunger Games. And they’re divorced now.

I’m making jokes, yes, but I’m really very serious when I say that really— really—- it has not been too long when Adam and Eve, who have been dating for 2.6 years and who are 25 years old, get engaged. What, were they supposed to get engaged before they could officially sync all their devices through iCloud? Before they’d filled their Pinkberry punchcards? Before they’d weathered fifteen seasons of American Idol? (Is that show on six times a year? I don’t understand.)

Yes, I’m still making jokes. But it does take time to get to know someone. And then things change, and you have to get to know them all over again. And you have to get to know this third entity you’ve created between the two of you, your relationship. And then you move, and you have to get to know a new city. And then once all that is done, maybe you just want to be together. For a while. And then for longer. And then for a few years after that. And maybe you love them, but you’re still unsure for whatever number of good or bad reasons, or maybe you’re very sure, but you aren’t ready to get married, or your bank account isn’t ready to get married, or your Apple products are still adjusting to a blended household.

Weddings aren’t going anywhere. Neither is the person you’re with. And if they are– if they’re threatening to leave you if the two of you don’t get married– and if they’re doing so because you clearly aren’t committed and they’re trying to get you to prove it by slapping a ring on it– or because they’re feeling competitive with their FB newsfeed even though the two of you, together, as a couple, don’t really want to get married– then maybe we should all be posting “finally!” when FB shows that tiny broken heart next to your names. Or at least we’ll think it.

Except for that person who’ll post, “Oh no! But you two were perfect for each other! What happened?!?”

On the other hand, this morning FB let my friend in Boston tell me where to buy these cute shoes I’ve been wanting for a year. So it really does help us connect in very meaningful ways.



2 Responses to “Dear Facebook Comments on Engagement Status Updates”

  1. edrevets 30 January 2012 at 6:51 am #

    I’ve been with a bra I’ve had since 6th grade. It’s falling apart and the only reason it still fits is because it’s held together by 30 percent of its seams, but I still wear it to bed sometimes. That could be a metaphor for marriage.


  1. It’s Not that Complicated | Liberal Schmarts - 26 June 2012

    […] too long ago, a friend of mine wrote condescendingly (intelligently) on the absurdity of Facebook relationship statuses, how they’re […]

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