Dear Twilight 4: Vampire Sex & Babies, Abortions, C-Section by Fang, Pedophilia & More

15 Nov

Dear Twilight 4 Breaking Dawn Part 1,

With the premiere of Twilight 4 Part 1: Vampire Porn with Family Consequences, I thought I’d repost this summary I wrote a while ago of the fourth installment. Now look, I don’t care what you THINK you know about the fourth book, unless you’ve read it, YOU HAVE NO EARTHLY CONCEPT. THIS SHIT IS CRAZY. Therefore awesome.

And yes, I’ve read the books. And no, I don’t have any posters of either R.Pattz or Taylor Lautner.

(I’m much more interested in Team Peeta vs. Team Gale, although let’s be honest— at least one of those was miscast. Probably both….Have we talked about how I hate all movies made out of books? It took me ten years to be able to see the Harry Potter movies—I watched them last spring—and I maintain I only enjoyed them then due to Stockholm syndrome.)

I did see the first two Twilight movies. Eventually. Not on opening night. I haven’t seen the third. TWILIGHT MARATHON, ANYONE? Maybe you’ll be more interested after you read the below and realize that Twilight 4 is Grindhouse targeted at tween girls— except with more gore. And interspecies baby-love.

*

Dear Twilight 4: Vampire Sex & Babies, Abortions, C-Section by Fang, Pedophilia & More,

Ok, so if you haven’t read the books, you don’t believe me.  But the fact of the matter is, apparently after you get married in good ol’ Steph Meyer’s world, ANYTHING GOES.

Vampire Sex

Bella and Edward have violent sex (dude, he’s a vampire, he has superhuman strength, think about the implications).  And she gets bruised.  All over her body: full-body bruising.  So he won’t have sex with her anymore.  That’s true love, guys.

Oh man, I feel like I should say something responsible here to teenage girls. And boys.  Whoever.  Teenage girls (and boys): do not have sex with vampires. There. More? Violent sex is not okay.  I mean, unless you’re into that, in which case it should still be safe.  By safe I mean….this is too much responsibility. This is why I don’t write an advice column. Go read Savage Love.

Ok, so Edward won’t have sex with her anymore because it’s true love, and true love doesn’t mean ripping the headboard to shreds in the throes of vampire orgasm, so she puts on really really expensive French lingerie (dude, he’s a vampire, he has a lot of money, and his sister (what.the.hell?!?) packed Bella’s honeymoon bag for her and didn’t include any real clothes) and she writhes around on the bed and cries until he takes pity on her and has sex with her again. At which point she gets knocked up with a vampire baby. Duh. Sigh. Swoon.

& Babies

A vampire baby which grows really fast.  She knows she’s knocked up because she can see it by the second day and feel it kicking by the first week. Ummmm, vampires are basically immortal— they live a really long time– so why exactly do their fetuses grow faster rather than slower than human fetuses?

Yeah, because that’s the biggest problem in this book.

So then Edward wants to kill the baby, but Bella’s all, noooo my baby! even though a week ago she didn’t want to get married “because who wants to be that girl who gets married right out of high school?” Oh, well. If you’re going to be that girl, might as well get knocked up while you’re at it. So the baby breaks Bella’s ribs and spine with its kicks. Obviously. She spends the rest of the next hundred pages lying on the couch.

At which point, even Stephanie Meyer is like, the most interesting thought this character has ever had is “I’m in love with a beast designed to kill me. And yet I’m not afraid. That’s weird” and she ditches Bella hard core. The rest of whatever is from Jacob’s perspective, because roaming around outside a house as a vigilante and thinking angry, lustful, vengeful thoughts is more interesting than a pregnant lady crying on the couch.

Abortions

Edward comes outside and offers to let Jacob knock Bella up if he’ll help convince her to abort the baby.

I’m going to let that sink in for a minute.

C-Section by Fang

Then Bella starts to have the baby, and clearly it can’t come out her vagina (hello Superman and Lois Lane) so Edward cuts it out of her with his fangs. I really hope the filmmakers don’t decide to skip over this scene, because I plan on squealing a lot and covering my eyes with my hands and then feeling sick from all the candy and popcorn and vampire placenta.

Everything is yada yada yada from there– Edward turns Bella into a vampire, she can’t see her baby because she might eat it, etc etc.  They have a lot of vampire sex but we don’t get to see it—- ? (Now that they’re of equal strength, married, and have a child together, sex is something to be ashamed of. Uh huh.)

Pedophilia

There are bad vampires, a showdown, and OH YEAH JACOB FALLS IN LOVE WITH THE BABY. What a creeper. How do you like that, Team Jacob.

& More

I really hope parents stopped letting their kids read after Twilight 3: After Much Contemplation and Cuddling, We Kissed Once.  On the other hand, as my (adult!) sister said, “Wow, I should have kept reading after book one.”

Ok, yes, so all of the above things happen in Twilight 4, which is why it’s going to be the best movie everrrrrThis link takes you to the original article that goes through all the plot points but from a dude’s perspective (Devin Faraci’s, to be exact) and with a lot more movie references.  And it’s awesome and funny and you should read it.

Sample: “Are you imagining Kristen Stewart wearing a fake pregnancy belly and pretending to have been suddenly crippled by her own fetus? Because I am and it’s making me laugh and laugh and laugh.”  Oh, Devin.    

Anyway, this book really should have been called Twilight 4: HOW TO JUMP THE SHARK.

THIS MOVIE IS GOING TO BE CRAY-CRAY.  In order to show it in the United States, they’re going to have to neuter it.  Then in order to show it to their target demographic, they’re going to have to take this beast out back and kill it with a shotgun and replace it with a My Little Pony.

I CANNOT WAIT.

Love,

MM

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2 Responses to “Dear Twilight 4: Vampire Sex & Babies, Abortions, C-Section by Fang, Pedophilia & More”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Dear Nice Guy Who’s a Better Person Than I Am But I Don’t Want to Date « Dear Mr. Postman - 25 April 2012

    […] love talking to people about how much I don’t hate Twilight. You can find just a few of the reasons here. I think Stephenie Meyer writes a nice, clean sentence that doesn’t get in the way of me […]

  2. Dear 50 Shades of Grey « Dear Mr. Postman - 27 April 2012

    […] This is why Bella and Edward only kiss until they get married. But after they get married…Edward breaks the headboard and leaves Bella covered in bruises. Sure, Meyer skips writing the play-by-play of actual sexing, but.) So 50 Shades of Grey steps in […]

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