Dear Arcane Work Attire Rules

28 Oct

Dear Arcane Work Attire Rules,

Did you guys know that most hotels require their female employees to wear pantyhose? At all times? Including under their pants?


This isn’t some rule like, “skirts of an appropriate length,” or even “elbows must be covered.”

Also Disneyland. And Disneyworld. Full skirts, full jackets, pantyhose under the pants.

Are their bosses encouraged to check? “Let me just pinch this thigh here and see if I can snap it outward…Nope? That’s flesh? Ouch, that must’ve hurt. Well, into the punishment coat room with you!”

Hotels, Disneyland, and Disneyworld: tourist spots, Southern California, and Florida. Hot, hot, and Florida.

I’ve been following Kate Middleton’s fashion, you guys, and they even let her wear pants sometimes. You know, just pants. I mean, I guess the photographs don’t really show that stretchy, oppressively tight nude shimmer beneath her clothes…but you can usually tell if you look at the feet. Skin’s just not that shiny. It doesn’t catch light in that way. It’s sort of like R. Pattz on a cloudy vs. a sunny day.

Men apparently are allowed to wear socks with their pants. This is because men’s legs, when covered by fabric, are appropriate for public and considered what we call “family-friendly.” Women’s legs are just so DAMN SEXY that they need the force-field strength repellent of nude pantyhose to keep them from going full Jessica Rabbit.

Plus the “control top” really helps smooth out those unsightly womanly curves that come from having a womb.


PS— Pantyhose. under. pants.

PPS– When I was writing this, I kept typing “pantyhouse.” But that’s a whole different thing. It’s a lot sexier, probably.


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