Dear Happy Birthday Well-Wishers

18 Oct

Dear Happy Birthday Well-Wishers,

Aw, guys, it’s super sweet of you to wish people happy birthday. And I understand that being the 79th person to type, “Happy birthday, Harry!” on someone’s Facebook wall feels lame.

But that is NO EXCUSE for typing “HBD!” with one finger while you sip your triple carmel mocha latte and sext your boyfriend while at work. If posting a repetitive “happy birthday” post feels stupid to you, think how super lame it looks to the person whose birthday it is when you can’t even do that. You can’t type ten extra letters? That “p” just too hard to reach for?  You are a level below lame! Congratulations! That is hard.

On the day when Harry went to all the trouble of pushing his way out of his mother’s womb like a bowling ball through a mouse-sized hole in a wall made of exposed nerve endings, you can’t be bothered to send a present, send a card, make a phone call, or send a text. No no, it’s all Facebook wall for you— and now you can’t write out the full traditional greeting of well wishes and real words with vowels and everything?!?

You know what the worst thing is? The thing that really gets my goat backed up against a fence and bleating in protest and about to kick you with angry little goat hooves? It should just be “HB.”

lovingly,

MM

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