Archive | September, 2011

Dear Barack Obama

14 Sep

Dear Barack Obama,

I’d really rather you were…you know…running the country, rather than auctioning yourself off to have dinner with voters for $5 or more.

First of all, I hear we’re in kind of a bummer of a situation with this whole economy / Republicans refusing to let the government run kind of thing?

Second, there’s just…something…kind of…not right about the whole thing…something about auctioning off…I can’t quite put my finger on it…

Oh yes. You shouldn’t let them make into you into a sex symbol available to the highest bidder like that! Last I heard, you were not a sexy fireman on Long Island and the Democratic Party was not the local firehouse raising money through a swimsuit/suspenders calendar.

I mean, not that these aren’t desperate times, but.

$5? Have they really beaten your self-esteem down that badly?

Yours, A Concerned Citizen,



Dear Divorce Rate

6 Sep

Dear Divorce Rate,

I know you’re really high. But when did it become practice, in response to someone saying she was at a wedding this weekend, to ask, “First wedding?”


So much for that piece of cake stashed in my bag giving me dreams of my future husband, so if I ever spot him on the bus, I can accost him and make him sign some legal documents binding him to me financially and contractually obligating him to love me unconditionally. Because I really thought that was going to work.


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