Dear I Do Love Some Facebook Status Updates

17 Aug

Dear I Do Love Some Facebook Status Updates,

I thought I would quit being such a misanthropic hater and tell you some of the things I like on Facebook. I am, after all, on the damn thing.

1. Anything that implies (but does not demonstrate) nudity. Unless you are really, really attractive. But I’m not FB friends with Joshua Jackson, so keep it to yourself.

2. Anything that’s scandalous, particularly if it’s of an interpersonal nature and I know the parties involved.

3. Wedding pictures. Especially if you have 14 bridesmaids. I will look at all of them.

4. Pictures of your baby dressed up as things that are not babies.

5. Relationship status changes. Especially if I went to high school with you. Especially if you’re now dating someone else we went to high school with.

6. Jokes. I will read them. Points for quote substitutions, puns, double entendres. Basically, any sort of wordplay. I am a nerd.

7. Super interesting articles from around the internet. The likelihood that I will click on them is inversely proportional to how serious they are. The likelihood that I will read them once I open them directly correlates with whether someone starts talking to me on gchat. I am apparently not actually interested in the world.

I did really like the 30 harshest filmmaker-on-filmmaker insults. I am a sucker for a list.

And I will look at any sort of infographic there is. Or Venn diagram. That shizz is instantaneously comprehended, you guys! The implications for education are amazing. Someone should look into this. Like, to teach kids how to write, we could teach them how to diagram sentences…. oh wait.

Ok, most of those links I didn’t get from Facebook. You guys basically only post about politics and sports and how much you hate your jobs. YAWN. You can go back to being drunk and having existential crises and taking pictures of food now.




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