Dear Online Dating Profiles

19 Apr

Note: I am a HUGE FAN of online dating, and I recommend it to all of my friends. I know people who have met online and are ridiculously happy and well matched. I also know people who started online dating and immediately met somebody in the “real world.” I don’t actually do it myself. This is not because I wouldn’t do it, but rather because I’m not actively trying to meet somebody at this point in my life. That being said, be safe, be persistent, and for the love of god, tell me all your stories.

But the profile creation process is ridiculous.


  • Self summary – Skinny. Curly hair. Crooked nose. Feminist. Oh wait, am I not supposed to say this? Probably not. I did just read some online profile advice which gave an A+ to a profile that reads:

“Myself – restless, analytical, and opinionated. I am not offended by a dirty joke and can dish out one of my own. I am independent but far from being a feminist. Sarcasm is a spice of life, so bring it on. [Reviewer’s comment: Guys really, really like to hear that.]”

UM. Why the need to distance yourself from being a feminist? First of all, being opinionated and independent is being a feminist.

Secondly, you really feel the need to qualify your claim of being independent?!? “Oh hey, guys, I’m independent, but not so independent I think I need equal rights or the ability to vote or anything like that! Hell no! I just mean that I can tie my own shoes, except I don’t need to, because I only wear high heels, even when I’m working out, which keeps me from being able to go too far, so don’t worry about me leaving the house.”

Thirdly, FEMINIST IS NOT A DIRTY WORD. It means you think women and men are equal.


And oh yeah: sarcasm. Right up with there with rosemary, thyme, and chili powder. One of the great spices of life! Oh wait, THAT’S NOT A PHRASE. But I sure am glad guys really, really like to hear it. Just how sarcastic do you like it? Because it’s pretty spicy in this neck of the woods, fellows.

  • What I’m doing with my life – God, I don’t know. Does anyone? This seems like an unfair question. It’s sending me into an existential spiral of doubt and questioning….FINE. I’ll say it. I’m in poetry school.
  • I’m really good at – I am a crackerjack parallel parker. I am also good at typing, spelling, and recounting conversations word-for-word.

What kind of stupid question is this? Do people traditionally answer this with a list of bedroom skill sets? I hope men still feel pressure to answer this with “man skills”: I’m good at sawing up shit and pounding nails and building log cabins. RAWR. And then girls can be all: I’m known for my pies two counties over! I’m excellent at wearing aprons, pearls, and keeping my mouth shut (except when you want it open, HEY-O)!

This is not a resume. But I did mean that thing I said about typing.

  • The first thing people usually notice about me – my intensity. WHAT?
  • Favorite books, movies, shows, music and food –

Well, first of all, another article I read recommends that women not describe themselves as “attractive” or “intelligent.” Errrrrrrr. Okay. (To be fair, they basically argue those words are vague and have no meaning. Which, from a writer’s standpoint, I agree with. On the other hand, the article manages to be sexist anyway.)

One of the commenters said this: “Actually name some books other than Bridget Jones Diary that you’ve read. What, you’ve never heard of Jonathan Franzen? Never read a book on politics or history? Fine, but you won’t be approached by intelligent men.”

OH MY SWEET LITERARY HAVEN. Jonathan Franzen is who you choose to mention? If you’ve never heard of FRANZEN you can’t expect to be approached by intelligent men?!? Let me tell you something, buster, Franzen is not Shakespeare, and having “heard” of someone is hardly a test of intelligence. Talk about revealing yourself as someone who reads The New Yorker so you can sound impressive on first dates.

And now I’m not going to name ANY books I’ve read, because I don’t want pretentious faux-literati like yourself emailing me.

  • The six things I could never do without – books, coffee, a bed, sleep, hot showers, meat (I will never be a vegetarian. Speaking of vegetarians, I don’t much want to date one. I have. It’s just– well…god, this is sexist and I’m going to say it anyway– there’s just something not-that-sexy about a man who doesn’t eat meat. Also it’s inconvenient. It’s a food restriction, albeit a fairly mild one, and I just want to eat, dammit.)
  • I spend a lot of time thinking about – gender roles, relationships, language, pop culture and celebrities. Stories. People and what they say and how they act and what it means.
  • On a typical Friday night I am – watching a Netflix movie. Sometimes going out to dinner. Sometimes dancing if I can find anybody to go with me. Oh, screw it, I’m usually in bed by eleven.
  • The most private thing I am willing to admit – is not very private. Anything I say here will be something that everyone knows about me. Why would I possibly reveal an actual secret to the Internet? This is bullshit. If you reveal an actual private thing here, you’re an idiot.
  • You should message me if . . .you’re a book publisher and you have a book deal for me. Or if I already know and like you. Otherwise you should stay the f*ck away, since this isn’t actually an online dating profile.

5 Responses to “Dear Online Dating Profiles”

  1. Miranda 19 April 2011 at 11:40 am #

    Oh how I hate filling those things out. I never have a clue what to say. I’m married now, but when I wasn’t I had a couple accounts and wanted to change my answers every time I logged in.

  2. margaret michelle 19 April 2011 at 12:12 pm #

    Miranda, I would totally do the same. But why does your name link to a sex toy review website?

  3. skhor 19 April 2011 at 11:47 pm #

    Is it sad that I know this is the OkCupid website profile?

  4. margaret michelle 20 April 2011 at 8:39 am #

    As a reward, skhor, I will help you fill out your online profile! Because clearly I am good at this.

    If anyone else would like to PAY me to fill out their profiles, email me at dearmrpostman [at] gmail [dot] com. I will customize to your interests and suggest wordplay alternatives, to make sure we weed out all those people who don’t know what “pulchritude” means!

    …No one know what that word means, including me. I’m kidding. But for serious, give me cash and I’m yours. Not like a whore.


  1. Dear Nice Guy Who’s a Better Person Than I Am But I Don’t Want to Date « Dear Mr. Postman - 25 April 2012

    […] eyes. Graduate student in history (my undergrad major). According to his email, which was basically an online dating profile: “Hiking, playing frisbee golf, and drinking lots of Twinings black tea are the hobbies […]

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