Dear Royal Wedding Crazy Fever

15 Apr

Dear Royal Wedding Crazy Fever,

I understand why we get obsessed with celebrities. Especially the crazy ones. There’s just so much to talk about! Believe me, I know too much about people I’ve never met. Which is all celebrity gossip is, when you think about it, which frames it in a completely different (creepier) context.

I mean, when people are too crazy, I wish they’d just disappear (go home, Charlie Sheen!).

But I just don’t understand when we manage to be completely obsessed with people about whom there is no news because they are private, rational, reasonable, sane, sensible people. I.e. Kate Middleton and Prince William. Good lord, the two of them dress impeccably, she does her own hair and make up, they always look calm and happy to be together. THERE IS NOTHING TO SEE THERE.

THEY ARE THE MOST BORING COUPLE EVER. GOOD FOR THEM.

But still– STILL!– the wedding hysteria is at fever pitch. WEDDDDDDDDDDDINGS! is summer’s battle cry of commercialization. Or, more realistically:

ROYAL WEDDING!

COMMEMORATIVE COOOOOOOONDOMS.

(Real thing! Click here. Look how sweet they are in that photograph! How tender! Whoever wrote the text for that box deserves a literary prize, by the way, it’s a gem. Warning— they don’t protect from pregnancy, nor STDs. WHAAAAAAA? Shit, son, why you want useless rubber on your dick?)

Anyway, so we’ve finally reached the mountaintop, and someone found a jelly bean with Kate Middleton’s face on it. I’ve been saying for a while now that she’s basically Jesus. No, Gandhi. No, Obama. No, the Beatles. Oh, wait, she’s a woman, so she’s only got two choices, she can either be the Madonna or the Whore. I mean, Madonna or Lindsay. No, no, I mean, Diana or Camilla. No, that’s not right….Mary or Mary Magdalene!

(For those of you in the Catholic community, who was tempted  to choose the name Mary for Confirmation, and then when anyone said it, smirk and think, I meant the other one? No? No one else? Ah, well.)

SO THIS DUDE WITH THE JELLY BEAN. I hate to admit it, but it TOTES looks like her! And apparently he’s not asking for nearly enough money for it, so bitchez, get yourselves on Ebay (right? that’s where you sell such things? No? Wetherby’s? I mean, Sotheby’s? Whatever. It’s Friday).

And then, you know, put said jelly bean in a place where your cat won’t eat it. (I assume if you’re buying this thing, you must have cats. At least one.)

dreams of cake and replica rings,

MM

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2 Responses to “Dear Royal Wedding Crazy Fever”

  1. margosita 15 April 2011 at 12:17 pm #

    “Anyway, so we’ve finally reached the mountaintop, and someone found a jelly bean with Kate Middleton’s face on it. I’ve been saying for a while now that she’s basically Jesus. No, Gandhi. No, Obama. No, the Beatles. Oh, wait, she’s a woman, so she’s only got two choices, she can either be the Madonna or the Whore. I mean, Madonna or Lindsay. No, no, I mean, Diana or Camilla. No, that’s not right….Mary or Mary Magdalene!”

    THIS IS HILARIOUS AND SO TRUE. I love it.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Dear Olympics 2012 Will & Kate’s PDA « Dear Mr. Postman - 3 August 2012

    […] What’s even more funny is I’ve actually been reading articles about this all week. Most of which end in “BABIES. ROYAL BABIES.“ […]

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