Dear Luke Matheny

1 Mar

Dear Luke Matheny,

just look at that mop.

Congratulations. You won an Oscar. For best live action short film.

As a graduate student. Could somebody shoot me now, please.

Luke, you have screwed the rest of us MFA students over. (I’m not even going to get into James Franco. He’s not even real at this point.)

I mean, not that anyone expected us to win Oscars or Pulitzer prizes, but now when we fail to even get our movies made (even if only by our friends) or our books published, or our paintings hung in a show…the failure will be just that much more spectacular.


It should be noted, Luke, that when you walked up onstage and joked that you should have gotten a haircut— your Jew fro wildly out of control— and then thanked your mother for providing craft services, I offered to marry you.

THEN you thanked someone named “Sasha” for “scoring” your “film” (we all know what that means) and “being the love of your life.” I don’t know if “Sasha” is a boy or a girl, but it’s probably a grad school romance. So that won’t last.

So if Sasha is a girl, call me! If Sasha is a boy, you and I probably won’t work out under any circumstances. Sigh.

Also I hate you (not really) (a little bit) (maybe it’ll go away in a day or two).


UPDATE: I looked Sasha up. She’s a girl. They’re “partners,” a word which makes me back away as quickly as “wife.” You just don’t mess with that. Then again, I also back away from “babies” or “I live at home with my parents” or “would you like to meet my pet tarantula?” C’est la vie. The search continues.


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