Dear Facebookers

22 Feb

Dear Facebookers,

Look, lovies, I know I write a lot about you, but I think we’re all trying to figure out this new world of social media and online interaction and it turns out I have a lot of thoughts about how this should work.

So here we go. I’ll be Dear Abby and offer you (un)solicited advice with no credentials.

I should probably admit I’m not the best Facebooker. I’m reticent about revealing too much about my personal life, which just isn’t any fun in a voyeuristic fishbowl. And I rarely post pictures, which is clearly one of FB’s best features. Also I rarely post funny status updates. And I don’t put my relationship status up on FB, which is definitely my favorite thing to spy on with other people.

Ok, fine, I suck at Facebook. Then again! Let’s talk about the rest of you.

There’s a certain ex-boyfriend,

who never posts ANYTHING on Facebook. Like seriously, he might as well not exist. His profile information is still things I filled out for him when we were dating. AWKWARD. Also, that was eight years ago. Back when FB was restricted to college kids. I know, who even remembers that anymore (most of us).

I think it’s because he secretly still hopes to become a politician despite his current path. Perhaps magically, without running for office or interning or working in politics, someone will just hand him a spot in a race. He’s pretty good at shaking hands and smiling, so maybe it’ll work, I don’t know.

Interestingly enough, the other person who I think may still harbor dreams of running for president also doesn’t use Facebook. I understand this desire for privacy on the internet, and I understand not wanting drunken pictures of yourself floating in the nether-regions of the tubes, but I’m pretty sure our next president will use social networking to his/her advantage and really, fully exist on FB.

There’s that friend of a friend,

who uses a fake name and never posts pictures and never updates her status except on certain game days. Sometimes she posts songs. Apparently she likes Kanye West. This tells me nothing about her.

She adds nothing to my online life. In fact, at this point I don’t know if I know her real name. This will be awkward, because this is a person who clearly wants her “real” life and her “online” life to remain demarcated, and so calling her by her “online” name will not be appreciated. This is her own damn fault.

There’s those girls,

who post pictures every single weekend of themselves going out. Maybe they’re woo girls, maybe they’re not. (Woo girls are girls who woo. Duh.)

But every week, without fail, there are new pictures of them. In fact, a whole new album. At a bar. With a group of friends. In a semi-circle. Smiling. With drinks in their hands. And slightly annoyed or completely trashed onlookers behind them, pushed to a corner by this Kodak moment of inebriation.

Look, I’m glad people do this whole “going out” thing, I hear it can be fun, you all look healthy and happy in the pictures. Are you trying to make the rest of us feel bad for staying home and also for not having perfect hair?

But…I just…I’ve looked at some of these pictures….and….well….I don’t know how to say this, so I’ll just say it. THEY ALL LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME. Are you photoshopping in new outfits?!?

Also, how are you all consistently smiling at the same time? I’ve tried to coordinate drunk people and it’s like herding goldfish. Even in a small bowl, they constantly elude your grasp in favor of talking to that dude or changing the song on the jukebox or by needing to pee.

Does this mean that you take like 300 pictures every Friday night and the 40-60 I see on Facebook are only the best ones?!?

WOO.

And then there’s that person who lived on your dorm floor your freshmen year,

who is now married and has a baby and appears to live in the suburbs in a house he bought with his new wife. And every time he posts something, you think of him walking down the dorm hallways in his pajamas, chatting while he brushed his teeth. At the time, it seemed perfectly normal. Now, you wonder what a healthy length of time spent brushing your teeth really is— it’s not the 10-15 minutes it took for him to make the rounds.

Maybe it was an early sign of his ability to be responsible. His baby’s teeth are probably really healthy.

Anyway, his baby’s really adorable and often wearing hats—babies in hats are almost as designed for the internet as cats— and he and his wife look really happy together in their wedding pictures and those are definitely the best kinds of pictures— major life events— to scroll through on FB. They’re probably in love.

Whatever.

MM

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