Archive | February, 2011

Things I Like on the Internet

27 Feb

I Like a lot of Things on the Internet this week. And I kept track of all of them. For you. You’re welcome.

I like this because the word “Muppets” is followed by the word “Explicit”— and for several other reasons too: Kanye West “Monster” Muppet Remix (Explicit Version). [YouTube]

Ohhh, that Honey Badger is Naaaaaaaasty. Learn things and laugh at the same time. Probably don’t watch it if you have a fear of eating snakes. Or if you hate funny things. [YouTube]

This 5 year old is my kind of feminist (I like all kinds, actually). Start ’em young, start ’em young! She just needs the vocabulary now. [YouTube by way of Ryan Seacrest. I know, I know, it’s FB’s fault!]

Have you guys seen this thing where Zach Galifianakis interviews somebody and makes you want to die in the process? I have a high tolerance for awkward and I wanted to die. It’s called “Between Two Ferns” and I recommend the one with Charlize Theron (and Zach Galifianakis, obvi). And now I know how to spell his name. [funny or die]

Jon Stewart’s Mother F**kers. Hey guys, maybe if Planned Parenthood is SO profitable, we should look at how they do things and apply those principles to our health care system as a whole. That would include lowering prices for patients and opening health centers in low-income areas and providing timely, efficient care for everyone who needs it, regardless of insurance. Whoa, wait, what?!? [Comedy Central]

Somebody (Rep. Weiner) is getting angry and it is SO GOOD to see! If you want less government…then keep your laws off my body. Oh hey, remember that slogan? [YouTube]

Hey guys, in the midst of bad news, good news! President Obama finally mans up and takes a GIANT leap forward toward legalizing gay marriage. Like a scoop of mint sorbet after a dinner of liver. So refreshing. [New York Times]

And now, moving on from politics! The man who inspired Moby Dick was one unlucky sonofabitch. Read this if you, like Jack Donaghy, have unresolved dreams of being an underwater explorer.

A music video! That my sister’s friend made! Congratulations, Pat Parra! [Love Bryan]

This clip of Portlandia is basically my life. Or at least, the lives of people near me. [IFC]

Unfortunately, so is this thing of The Disney Princesses as Hipsters. [NY Mag]

Chris Rock is smart smart smart and I’d like to think his theory on the Tea Partiers is correct. Please come to a stand-up venue near me, Chris Rock!

Ke$ha loves James Van Der Beek. As she should. You guys, this music video of “Blow” proves that Ke$ha has a sense of humor. Or, you know, just that she loves “Blow.” Also, unicorns. If you aren’t convinced yet, she calls me James Van Der Douche and he calls her Ke-dollarsign-ha. Also, James Van Der Woodsen (There’s an idea. Has he guest-starred on Gossip Girl yet?) is looking kind of hot. WHAT?!? It’s not his fault Dawson was a whiny emo sad face. I’LL ALWAYS LOVE YOU MORE, PACEY.

And that concludes this week’s episode of Things I Like on the Internet.

Dear Boys Who Think They Like Sassy Girls

25 Feb

Dear Boys Who Think They Like Sassy Girls,

We’re at this strange cultural moment where sarcasm, sass, and general uppity behaviors and poor attitudes are valued.

Bless us, because if we weren’t, I would probably be living in the woods in exile right about now or being given electric shock treatments.

This has resulted in boys thinking that they think sassy girls are sexy.

Yes, thinking that they think this. Or, you know, even thinking that they know what sass is.

I give you the following illustrative anecdote:

Jack met Jill at a party. Jack is a bit older than Jill, and they’re both young enough that “older” guys are still “cool” rather than “creepy.” Actually…Jack was in college at the time, and Jill was in high school, and maybe she thought he was cool rather than creepy? But I don’t. Whatever. This story came from Jack.

So anyway, they meet, and then they date. (Yawn.) Jack gives THIS as the reason for his attraction:

“I thought she was really cool, because when I asked for her phone number, she totally called me out! She said I was never going to use it, never going to call her. So then of course I had to.”

THAT IS BULLSHIT.

This story does not demonstrate Jill’s fierce nature or the idea that she is “cool”. It doesn’t say much about her, actually. But the fact that Jack thinks it makes her cool demonstrates that Jack is basically lame.

Because I can tell you right now, if he thinks that’s a challenge, he should try dating me.

Ex-boyfriends? Am I right?

Some boys actually do like sassy girls. Jack is not one of them. It’s fine! Jack can date “nice” girls the rest of his life. I put “nice” in quotes because “sassy” girls are / can also be “nice” girls. There’s a whole world in between sassy and mean.

The main problem with this whole scenario is that, instead of being able to just express what he actually likes about Jill, he has to designate her as “sassy”— which moves the rest of us over into the realm of being “mean.” It’s like the political parties. There’s a certain range which results in a nation-wide ideological game of tug-of-war, and when the left moves to the middle, the right moves farther to the right (MOVE BACK TO THE LEFT, LEFT, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD).

I’m willing to bet that Jack, confronted with true sass, thinks it’s pretty mean. Then he gets to say things like, “Well, I like sassy girls, and I don’t like you, so you must not be sassy. You must be a total bitch.”

This is because Jack sucks. And also, despite his proclaimed modernism, he holds very traditional views on what women should say and do.

Exhibit A: Jack thinks all girls sleep in babydoll nightgowns with bows and matching underwear. He was shocked to find out they don’t.

True story.

MM

P.S. I am DEVASTATED that I was not there for that sleepwear / underwear conversation. I feel I could have made a valuable contribution.

Dear Facebookers

22 Feb

Dear Facebookers,

Look, lovies, I know I write a lot about you, but I think we’re all trying to figure out this new world of social media and online interaction and it turns out I have a lot of thoughts about how this should work.

So here we go. I’ll be Dear Abby and offer you (un)solicited advice with no credentials.

I should probably admit I’m not the best Facebooker. I’m reticent about revealing too much about my personal life, which just isn’t any fun in a voyeuristic fishbowl. And I rarely post pictures, which is clearly one of FB’s best features. Also I rarely post funny status updates. And I don’t put my relationship status up on FB, which is definitely my favorite thing to spy on with other people.

Ok, fine, I suck at Facebook. Then again! Let’s talk about the rest of you.

There’s a certain ex-boyfriend,

who never posts ANYTHING on Facebook. Like seriously, he might as well not exist. His profile information is still things I filled out for him when we were dating. AWKWARD. Also, that was eight years ago. Back when FB was restricted to college kids. I know, who even remembers that anymore (most of us).

I think it’s because he secretly still hopes to become a politician despite his current path. Perhaps magically, without running for office or interning or working in politics, someone will just hand him a spot in a race. He’s pretty good at shaking hands and smiling, so maybe it’ll work, I don’t know.

Interestingly enough, the other person who I think may still harbor dreams of running for president also doesn’t use Facebook. I understand this desire for privacy on the internet, and I understand not wanting drunken pictures of yourself floating in the nether-regions of the tubes, but I’m pretty sure our next president will use social networking to his/her advantage and really, fully exist on FB.

There’s that friend of a friend,

who uses a fake name and never posts pictures and never updates her status except on certain game days. Sometimes she posts songs. Apparently she likes Kanye West. This tells me nothing about her.

She adds nothing to my online life. In fact, at this point I don’t know if I know her real name. This will be awkward, because this is a person who clearly wants her “real” life and her “online” life to remain demarcated, and so calling her by her “online” name will not be appreciated. This is her own damn fault.

There’s those girls,

who post pictures every single weekend of themselves going out. Maybe they’re woo girls, maybe they’re not. (Woo girls are girls who woo. Duh.)

But every week, without fail, there are new pictures of them. In fact, a whole new album. At a bar. With a group of friends. In a semi-circle. Smiling. With drinks in their hands. And slightly annoyed or completely trashed onlookers behind them, pushed to a corner by this Kodak moment of inebriation.

Look, I’m glad people do this whole “going out” thing, I hear it can be fun, you all look healthy and happy in the pictures. Are you trying to make the rest of us feel bad for staying home and also for not having perfect hair?

But…I just…I’ve looked at some of these pictures….and….well….I don’t know how to say this, so I’ll just say it. THEY ALL LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME. Are you photoshopping in new outfits?!?

Also, how are you all consistently smiling at the same time? I’ve tried to coordinate drunk people and it’s like herding goldfish. Even in a small bowl, they constantly elude your grasp in favor of talking to that dude or changing the song on the jukebox or by needing to pee.

Does this mean that you take like 300 pictures every Friday night and the 40-60 I see on Facebook are only the best ones?!?

WOO.

And then there’s that person who lived on your dorm floor your freshmen year,

who is now married and has a baby and appears to live in the suburbs in a house he bought with his new wife. And every time he posts something, you think of him walking down the dorm hallways in his pajamas, chatting while he brushed his teeth. At the time, it seemed perfectly normal. Now, you wonder what a healthy length of time spent brushing your teeth really is— it’s not the 10-15 minutes it took for him to make the rounds.

Maybe it was an early sign of his ability to be responsible. His baby’s teeth are probably really healthy.

Anyway, his baby’s really adorable and often wearing hats—babies in hats are almost as designed for the internet as cats— and he and his wife look really happy together in their wedding pictures and those are definitely the best kinds of pictures— major life events— to scroll through on FB. They’re probably in love.

Whatever.

MM

Things I Like On The Internet

20 Feb

These are Things I Like on the Internet, a new slice of life here on Dear Mr. Postman. I’ll try to put this up on Sundays. Like the name implies, these are things, that I like, that are on the internet. You may like them too. Maybe you won’t. Deal with it.

So you heard about how Huck Finn is being updated, right, to remove certain words from the text so that it now reads “Slim Slave Jim.” Well, these people have a much better suggestion: robots. Robots are always a better suggestion. (Kickstarter)

So you saw that pie chart of how many times in the past year the New York Times Book Review published books by men versus women (the answer is a lot more). Eileen Myles is a poet and she has some things to say about it and I like the things she has to say and whether or not you like them, this is an interesting (and beautiful) read (includes the pie chart for your perusal pleasure) on being female and writing in general and poetry and maybe just life. (The Awl)

Also (related to the Eileen Myles article): if you’re wondering….well, how many more books a year do men write? This article answers that question. And raises a few others. It turns out Virginia Woolf was right, way back when– it really is about having a room, and the quiet to concentrate in that room. (Vida)

Did you understand Jeff Bridges in True Grit? ‘Cause I pretended I did and it was a lie. (YouTube)


Channing Tatum sounds like a KICK: and I would have thrown up after the second tequila shot. Maybe the third. (GQ)

This woman could be a ninja: get in, get out, slam your co-host’s manhood on air, keep a straight face. (Huffington Post)


Aaaaaaaand here’s a follow-up, also from Australia. If our Today show was like this, I would probably watch it. And by like this, I mean had more penis jokes. (Huffington Post)


Hope you all had a lovely weekend, and I’ll see you this week.

Loves,

MM

Dear Justin Bieber

18 Feb

Dear Justin Bieber,

Aw. I keep forgetting you’re Canadian. I have a soft spot in my heart for Canadians. I grew up in Seattle, which is pretty close to Canada, and probably has more in common with Vancouver than it does with San Diego. Also when I first moved down to San Diego, my neighbors across the hall were Canadian, and every time they ended a sentence with “eh?” I wanted to cheer.

They liked me anyway, I swear.

So! Justin, a couple of things. Your hair’s starting to look creepy. Like a shellacked Mountie helmet. I think you should start planning now for your eventual comeback, which is going to involve a makeover. Look to Justin Timberlake for inspiration.

  1. He’s Justin Timberlake.
  2. You have the same name for some reason?
  3. The kid came back from frosted tips and a faux Jew fro and went straight to bringing sexy back and dating Cameron Diaz. If that isn’t inspirational, I don’t know what is. Maybe you could date Blake Lively. Maybe that would be the equivalent. There’s something for you to look forward to.

There’s all this uproar over your comments on abortion, which I’ll get to in a minute. Let’s start, though, with this article from Wonkette which starts:

Canadian prime minister Justin Bieber revealed to the Rolling Stone website that America sucks for all kinds of reasons, not the least of which is the nation’s barbaric “health care system”

OH SNAP. Bieber’s main evidence that our health care sucks? His bodyguard’s baby was premature and he has to pay health care bills because of it. Now that is an example of a man still being connected to the PEOPLE, people.

So typical of Canadians to hate our health care system because we have to pay for things. It’s like they don’t even understand how America is supposed to work. Really un-American and that’s not acceptable.

Ok, fine, let’s talk Bieber’s quote about abortion, which Rolling Stone totally misquoted. Here’s what he really said, with the part that was omitted now in bold:

“I really don’t believe in abortion,” Bieber says. “It’s like killing a baby?” How about in cases of rape? “Um. Well, I think that’s really sad, but everything happens for a reason. I don’t know how that would be a reason. I guess I haven’t been in that position, so I wouldn’t be able to judge that.”

Look, guys, I get why people are up in arms about this. Believe me, I do. Bieber, like it or not, holds tween’s minds in some sort of vice grip of hairspray high. But I’m not likely to start forming my political opinions based on his, and frankly, I’m not sure tween/teen girls are either. You think they listen to him for his mind? You think they hear anything except “look at the hypnotic nature of my bangs” when he speaks? Also, you think they read Rolling Stone?

That’s beside the point. His quote, more than it says anything about abortion, demonstrates uncertainty. It shows doubt. CLEARLY IT SHOWS DOUBT: he says that it’s “like killing a baby” QUESTION MARK?

He gets stumped when the reporter pushes him further, and he wavers, and he acknowledges that he hasn’t been in that position and therefore cannot decide for other people. This is interesting and I think he should be credited for giving an emotionally generous and honest answer. It’s an answer that basically says, “I won’t choose for somebody else.” It’s an answer that may develop, a few years down the road, into “I’m not a woman, it’s a choice I will never have to face, and therefore I should not limit a woman’s choice or regulate her autonomy over her own body.”

Maybe it won’t. But he’s Canadian, so he won’t be voting on it in this country anyway. And chances are good that he will grow up to be a Canadian liberal, which is basically a communist, as I understand it.

Maybe Biebs could sell a lock of hair to fund our health care system.

Gross.

MM

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