Dear “Maybe”

12 Jan

Dear “Maybe,”

Oh hey, word-that-is-used-more-than-should-be-socially-acceptable.

Look guys, we’re living lives of overcommitment, and we’re doing it by not committing to anything.  Facebook events even have a “maybe” button alongside the “yes” and “no” buttons.  Here’s the thing, though: maybe means no.

Have you EVER had anyone who hit “maybe” in response to one of your events actually show up?  (I prefer the much ruder and more awesome “remove from my events” button that completely takes your party out of my sight and, as far as I know, possibly destroys its entire existence).

This is one of those instances where people think saying “maybe” is more polite than a flat-out no, and they’re WRONG.  WRONG WRONG WRONG.  Ok, Facebook events aside, because those aren’t real life, let’s talk about what “maybe” sounds like to the person hearing it (as in, when you ask a friend about hanging out.  we won’t get into dating just yet, because dating is like being Kate Middleton right now— trying to reconcile an antiquated set of rules with modern expectations):


  • Umm sure, I would love to….. if nothing better comes along in between now and then.
  • Ooooh, no, over my dead body, but you’re so delusional you think it might happen, so I’ll let you down easy.
  • I can’t, or just am not interested today, but I’m too invested in being a “nice” person to say no, so instead I’ll leave you hanging, thinking it might happen, and hobbling your ability to make other plans.  If I call you later with a “yes,” you’ll be “not nice” because you went ahead and left without me!  Nice-win!  I’m practically a saint.

Look, guys, even Cosmo has an article in it this month from some hack-job psychologist about how we’re saying maybe too often and it’s stupid and damages our relationships and our ability to have sexy times in the hot tub of our neighbor’s house with our boyfriend’s brother (I WAS IN THE AIRPORT I WANTED TO READ ABOUT MILA KUNIS’S ATTITUDE I DON’T READ COSMO I PROMISE dear god make it stop).

Not that I follow Cosmo‘s advice about anything (oh really? I should call him if I want to talk to him? WHAT?!? No. Freaking. Way.), but they happen to agree with me on this one “maybe” issue, so I think they’re right. 

Hey guys, remember that time long ago when you lived in a fictional country western song set in the 20th century, and you asked a girl out not over text message or Facebook, but through a note, and the options were “yes” “no” and “maybe”?  And she invariably answered “maybe” because that’s what “nice” girls do, and for a while you thought it actually meant “maybe” and you put that note in your pocket and then some minutes, or days, or weeks, or months, or years later (depending on your level of social awareness / completely delusional blind hope) you realized that was BULLSHIT and looking back, she never went out with you, so clearly that “maybe” meant “no”?  And was that really more gentle and “nicer”?

Or did that settle us all into dysfunctional routines of gender roles and cat-and-mouse games that lead to horrific consequences like reading Cosmo for signs of what he/she really means?  Not to put too much pressure on kindergarteners, here, but…

Whew.  Glad I got that out of my system.


PS.  Cosmo, side-boob is not the new sexy cleavage, despite what the celebrities are doing.  Just as when you tried to convince us that toe-lines were the new cleavage, and butt-crack was the new cleavage…cleavage is still the only cleavage.



3 Responses to “Dear “Maybe””

  1. skhor 13 January 2011 at 7:18 pm #

    i’d like to point out that that one country western song instructed the girl to check yes or no if she liked him, did she want to be his friend, to take him by the hand if she wanted to, and that he supposed this was how love went.

    also she said yes. maybe maybe should not be offered to people when getting them to commit to plans. (har har i said maybe maybe)


  2. Sam 10 February 2011 at 3:46 pm #

    Cosmo, do not listen to the rantings of this woman. Sideboob is VERY acceptable, especially as I wait in line to purchase drain cleaner at Safeway.

  3. Carrie Moniz 23 February 2011 at 4:13 am #

    haha. i’m glad this is directed towards guys because i responded maybe to your party and then showed up 🙂 super fun by the way!

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