Dear Taylor Swift and Jake Gyllenhaal

5 Jan

Dear Taylor Swift and Jake Gyllenhaal,

I’m so “sorry” to hear about your recent “break-up.”  Your agents hearts must be devastated.

On the other hand, it’s probably good you guys will stop staging publicity stunts going on apple-picking dates.  Before we all lose too much weight.  From barfing.

The thing is, if it was a publicity stunt, the purpose was totally defeated– since no one believed it in the first place.

If it was real, the purpose was still defeated– since you guys broke up  …and since no one believed it in the first place.

I heard someone on the radio today telling good ol’ Jake to prepare for some song lyrics about himself, and “he better have been nice to her.”  Since T. Swift writes songs about all her exes and provides just enough detail that we can all identify exactly who she’s talking about—- whether or not she ever admits to it in an interview.  (“It’s so freeing, admitting that I write about all my exes but refusing to say which song is about who…just really how my lawyer heart wants it.”  —made up-quote by me)

My favorite is the song about John Mayer some unidentified famous older man titled “Dear John” (this girl is subtle like a monster truck rally):

Don’t you think I was too young

To be messed with

The girl in the dress

Cried the whole way home

I shoulda known

Well, yeah you shoulda known.  It’s not like John Mayer is some unknown asshole who successfully lies and keeps his personal life a secret.  I mean, come on, the paparazzi are the greatest personal PI service of all time!  Do you know how many marriages those guys have broken up? (Keep up the great work, paps.)  This is JOHN MAYER.  He gave an interview in Playboy about what an asshat he is, specifically to the women he dates.

So rather than “don’t you think I was too young?”, let’s ask “Aren’t you OLD ENOUGH to know better?!?”

But let’s talk Jake, here, and how his dating T. Swift was made even creepier by the fact that he went from dating Reese Witherspoon—inarguably a powerhouse Hollywood woman— and playing daddy to her two kids— to dating a 20-year-old (just turned 21 last month) who makes her living from her I’m a young girl status.  CREEPER.

You two are a public menace and shouldn’t be allowed to socialize with the other gender for a while.  And John Mayer probably shouldn’t be allowed to talk anymore.

Muzzles for everyone!



3 Responses to “Dear Taylor Swift and Jake Gyllenhaal”

  1. margosita 5 January 2011 at 6:37 pm #

    I love your made-up Taylor Swift quote.

  2. margaret michelle 5 January 2011 at 6:43 pm #

    aw, shucks. i just really reached deep inside myself to find my inner taylor swift, ya know? method acting at its finest.


  1. Dear Taylor Swift who is Dating a Kennedy « Dear Mr. Postman - 29 August 2012

    […] Jake Gyllenhaal. Gwyneth Paltrow set them up. They went apple-picking. He ditched her, maybe because he realized she wants to be 16, and he doesn’t want to date a 16-year-old? (Call me, Jake G!) […]

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