Guest Letter: Dear Bananas in Plastic Bags

23 Nov

GUEST LETTER TODAY!  FROM JESSE!  Ok, guys, real deal, I love this guest letter business.  It’s good for the soul (and my vague symptoms of carpal tunnel– is your right hand supposed to spontaneously burst into flames?).  If you have a guest letter you’d like to write, email dearmrpostman [at] gmail [dot] com.  I promise not to edit your letter to change your original intent….just to, you know, fix grammar and typos and add funny links of cats dancing and sweet YouTube videos, and make your writing not lame.  I mean hahaha I don’t do that you all are perfect you’re all Bill Murray and Steve Martin’s lovechild!

Go Jesse tell us some things!

Dear Bananas in Plastic Bags,

How does it feel… all that plastic suffocating you, keeping you from touching anything in the outside world.  Do you feel safe, Bananas?  It is a very dirty world out there… and by dirty, I mean, Bacteria and Viruses EVERYWHERE!!!

Haven’t you seen one of those commercials for a spray product promising to kill 95% of bacteria and viruses on your telephone and door knob and your child’s hands… you know the one where they show the close up of all the movie-grade CGI bacteria everywhere on everything?!? Gross!

Anyways, Bananas, you are now safe! That nice pathophobic lady, with the anti-bacteria spray on her key chain, covered you up and kept you safe for your long difficult journey from basket to checker stand to the other plastic bag to your new home.

I know, I know, you thought you were already safe.  I’m sure as a banana, you thought, “I’m perfect!  I’m sweet and delicious and I come with this easy to open all natural packaging called a banana peel.”  And you may have been right years ago, but we live in a new age, not the 21st century… This is the Plastic Era! [Editor’s note: (haha that’s me, MM, “editor”) please click on that link oh.em.gee awesomeness] Where we cover everything in plastic!  A wonderful petroleum made from toxic chemicals that makes everything much safer.  Your peel is nothing compared to the industrial strength of the plastic bag!

So banana, I don’t want you to worry about that disease infested world out there between the sanitary grocery store aisle and your safe home (that has been sprayed down with anti-bacterial spray to the point where the air is a little toxic) because you’ve been wrapped in the safest material known to man: the plastic bag.

-Jesse (in complete and utter sarcasm)

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