Dear Citizens of the USA

4 Nov

Dear Citizens of the USA,

Hey guys.  What’s up.  Are you feeling hungover?  I’m feeling hungover.  Halloween?  No.  Elections! Because: Congratulations! You’ve once again completely hobbled our government with poor choices at midterms!

Midterms: the Red Sox of politics.  They just can’t win.

I’d like to especially congratulate Washington state, which voted to end their candy tax.  Yes, my dear homestate voted to end their tax on candy.  More debt!  More debt!  Because we don’t want a tax on CANDY.  Because taxes are BAD.  “That’s my hard-earned money and I’ll spend it on candy if I want to!”  Yeah.  That happened.

And a shout-out to California, which voted down legalizing marijuana, despite the fact that every doctor here writes prescriptions for it.  But god, don’t legalize it!  Don’t divert that GIANT SKYSCRAPER OF DOLLAR BILLS from catching pot-smokers to education! California public schools: “They’re like Calcutta.”  Calcutta.

Who cares if our kids get learned if we can’t fine them for smokin’ the mary j!  Pot is bad.  It makes people play video games and eat candy.  Oh my god, I’ve found the missing link between Washington and California (hint: it’s not Oregon.)

And Iowa!  You suck! I don’t have a lot else to say to you, except you were ahead of the most of the rest of the country and you decided to throw that tractor in reverse.  Because gay marriage keeps corn from growing.  And corn is in candy.  And makes teenagers smoke pot.  Or something.  And judges should have to worry about elections like politicians do, because they shouldn’t actually base their decisions on the constitution or the legal system or anything.  That would just be silly.

On the other hand, the good people of Delaware did not elect Christine O’Donnell.  She really is a treasure.  And I mean that in the sense of where-did-this-lady-even-come-from.  Education system fail?  Maybe she went to school in California.

The good news is—actually, if you want good news, go to “What the Fuck Has Obama Done So Far”.

And that is the good news—-  Obama is still the president! Yep.  Weird, huh.  Midterms.  Who knew. Once again, The Superficial steps in with a dose of truth and a simultaneous reference to Palin and Jesus.

Whoooo two-party system… yay America… flag… apple pie… other things…

MM

PS– ok, ok, enough ranting and raving already.  Let’s go do something.  …Right after this webisode.

PPS– I just tagged “Jesus” in a blog post.  How do you think He feels about that? I bet Jesus would be a blogger if He were alive today.

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One Response to “Dear Citizens of the USA”

  1. jew4life 5 November 2010 at 12:06 am #

    Well said, ranty mcranterson! I tell you, how can you not pass a 1/2 cent sales tax (re: Prop D in SD county) when it means saving police, fire fighters and teachers jobs? We don’t need those people, do we?

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