Dear People Who Post Cryptic Melodramatic Status Updates on Facebook

19 Oct
Dear People Who Post Cryptic Melodramatic Status Updates on Facebook,

Such as:  “I hate some people!  Why can’t they figure their s*** out?!?”

“Friends suck!  If you can’t follow through, go to hell!”

“i hate it when friends don’t look at you when they answer your question clearly demonstrating they are mad despite claims to the contrary!!!”

“i just feel so alone.  why did he leave?” (WHY DID HE LEAVE? FOR GOD’S SAKE, TELL US.)

“i really effed up.”

“going into labor.  i’m so mad at him.”  (HAHA. Actually, feel free to post that anytime you like.)


so we can all be the creepy voyeurs we are and know what’s up.  instead of: “i am so sad some people cannot be trusted” I would much rather see: “My boyfriend cheated on me with my co-worker last night in the office and I walked in on it” a la Cosmopolitan confessions.  Then tell us all the details in the comments.

If you’re going to dish the gossip, bring it to the table piping hot and whip off the serving dish top so we can eat with it a soup spoon.  Don’t throw a few crumbs in the general direction of the dining room.  Savvy?


Hey guys, remember when it was called THE Facebook?!? As in,  Yeah, that happened.

Back to business: when you’re sad / lonely / disillusioned / just been cheated on / fighting with a friend: call someone.  Preferably your mother or someone else obligated to listen to your sob stories at inconvenient times.  If you’re friends with me, you can call me (graduate student: always willing to procrastinate and very few real obligations on my time).

If you’re not friends with me, stay away from me.

BUT THE INTERWEBS ARE NOT YOUR PILLOW: aka, you cannot sob into them and not be judged.  People judge you for the crap you post.  I judge you. If you post things like, “Glad I know who my real friends are” immediately after a life change— like moving out of house with roommates or getting married or going through a traumatic alien encounter— your friends will suspect you are talking about them.  You will never be able to convince them otherwise, because they will never ask, because you put it on Facebook.

Because despite the fact that we all stare at Facebook for something like 80% of our workday (broken up into 20-second increments)….we still don’t publicly acknowledge it for the most part in face-to-face interactions.  When someone says, “Hey, I got engaged!” standard response is not: “Duh saw it on your FB like 2 min ago.”  FOR GOOD REASONS LET’S KEEP IT THAT WAY.

Thx. Srsly. 4Reals.



8 Responses to “Dear People Who Post Cryptic Melodramatic Status Updates on Facebook”

  1. russellisgone 19 October 2010 at 12:21 pm #

    i like to do that. my last one was “i want to eat a key”. don’t you like to imagine what their updates mean? it’s usually more interesting than the truth

  2. margosita 19 October 2010 at 5:23 pm #

    Haha. AMEN.

  3. MEA 20 October 2010 at 10:13 am #

    Kept me laughing!

  4. The Postman 21 October 2010 at 1:10 pm #

    I hate all of you! You know who I’m talking about. The rest of you are okay. You know who I’m talking about.

  5. Jew4life 4 November 2010 at 12:18 am #

    I think you’re spending too much time reading people’s facebook updates and not enough time pursuing their photos and photos of their friends and photos of their friends friends…

  6. margaret michelle 4 November 2010 at 8:53 am #

    @Jew4life: Hmmm. I’ll keep that in mind.

    @The Postman: How nice of you to join us! I really appreciate how you bring my mail to me every day.

    @MEA and @Margosita– thanks for reading!

  7. Lucy 23 March 2011 at 3:49 pm #

    YES! Seriously, Facebook is gossip central and I’m glad we can admit to least most of us.


  1. Dear Matthew Inman of The Oatmeal « Dear Mr. Postman - 9 November 2010

    […] things.  It makes us feel superior.  We like feeling superior.  It’s why we love it when people post crap on Facebook that makes them look crazy (you call them “the passive aggressor”).  So […]

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