Dear People Who Stand Too Close While Waiting to Cross the Street

14 Oct

Dear People Who Stand Too Close While Waiting to Cross the Street,

Hi.  Yes, you, the one mere inches from my ear.  Back up.  Look— We have this entire huge whole corner to stand on.  It’s like fiftymillioneleven feet big.  Instead you’ve chosen to stand on top of me in the very small ramp-part leading into the crosswalk.

Yes, I know I’m here too, but I was here first.  There was no one here when I got here.  Now there are five of us, and you see all those people? They’ve chosen to stand a normal distance away from me.  The kind of distance strangers usually maintain.  It’s nice.  It makes us all feel safe and reinforces the idea that America still has frontier space, because even on this tiny corner in this city, we all have our little ranch over which we are king.

Yes, I know my hair smells nice, creeper, but that’s because I wash it.  Do you wash yours?  It doesn’t smell like it.  That’s not polite?  Well that’s not the kind of thing I should even know about you, and I wouldn’t, if you weren’t currently perching yourself on my hip like a demented overgrown man-baby.

Hey!  The light’s changing!  I’m going to walk in the far part of the crosswalk, and at this speed.  Why don’t you try some other part and a different speed?  Then we can all feel like unique individuals.  And also like no one is touching us.  That will be nice.  I will like that.

Have a good day! Learn some personal boundaries!  Find some other person to breathe on!

MM

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