Dear Twilight 4: Vampire Sex & Babies, Abortions, C-Section by Fang, Pedophilia & More

7 Oct

Dear Twilight 4: Vampire Sex & Babies, Abortions, C-Section by Fang, Pedophilia & More,

Ok, so if you haven’t read the books, you don’t believe me.  But the fact of the matter is, apparently after you get married in good ol’ Steph Meyer’s world, ANYTHING GOES.

Vampire Sex

Bella and Edward have violent sex (dude, he’s a vampire, he has superhuman strength, think about the implications).  And she gets bruised.  All over her body: full-body bruising.  So he won’t have sex with her anymore.  That’s true love, guys.

Oh man, I feel like I should say something responsible here to teenage girls. And boys.  Whoever.  Teenage girls (and boys): do not have sex with vampires.  There.  More? Violent sex is not okay.  I mean, unless you’re into that, in which case it should still be safe.  By safe I mean….this is too much responsibility.  This is why I don’t write an advice column.  Go read Savage Love.

Ok, so Edward won’t have sex with her anymore because it’s true love, and true love doesn’t mean ripping the headboard to shreds in the throes of vampire orgasm, so she puts on really really expensive French lingerie (dude, he’s a vampire, he has a lot of money, and his sister (what.the.hell?!?) packed Bella’s honeymoon bag for her and didn’t include any real clothes) and she writhes around on the bed and cries until he takes pity on her and has sex with her again. At which point she gets knocked up with a vampire baby.  Duh.  Sigh.  Swoon.

& Babies

A vampire baby which grows really fast.  She knows she’s knocked up because she can see it by the second day and feel it kicking by the first week.  Ummmm, vampires are basically immortal— they live a really long time– so why exactly do their fetuses grow faster rather than slower than human fetuses?

Yeah, because that’s the biggest problem in this book.

So then Edward wants to kill the baby, but Bella’s all, noooo my baby! even though a week ago she didn’t want to get married “because who wants to be that girl who gets married right out of high school?” Oh, well.  If you’re going to be that girl, might as well get knocked up while you’re at it.  So the baby breaks Bella’s ribs and spine with its kicks.  Obviously.  She spends the rest of the next hundred pages lying on the couch.

At which point, even Stephanie Meyer is like, the most interesting thought this character has ever had is “I’m in love with a beast designed to kill me.  And yet I’m not afraid.  That’s weird” and she ditches Bella hard core.  The rest of whatever is from Jacob’s perspective, because roaming around outside a house as a vigilant and thinking angry, lustful, vengeful thoughts is more interesting than a pregnant lady crying on the couch.

Abortions

Edward comes outside and offers to let Jacob knock Bella up if he’ll help convince her to abort the baby.

I’m going to let that sink in for a minute.

C-Section by Fang

Then Bella starts to have the baby, and clearly it can’t come out her vagina (hello Superman and Lois Lane) so Edward cuts it out of her with his fangs.  I really hope the filmmakers don’t decide to skip over this scene, because I plan on squealing a lot and covering my eyes with my hands and then feeling sick from all the candy and popcorn and vampire placenta.

 

Vampire Baby. Obvi. From a blog called "Letters to Twilight." Yes. Like this blog, but devoted solely to Twilight. I think this is the woman's actual baby. Possibly with photoshopping, but maybe not. Actually LTT is written by these 20 something girls and they are sarcastic and snarky (yet still obsessed). And their blog is way more famous than this blog. Like, Stephanie Meyer reads it. I just don't know anymore. Because here I am too, obviously, in this caption for a vampire baby photo, having an existential crisis the way only a graduate student can.

 

Everything is yada yada yada from there– Edward turns Bella into a vampire, she can’t see her baby because she might eat it, etc etc.  They have a lot of vampire sex but we don’t get to see it—- ? (Now that they’re of equal strength, married, have a child together, sex is something to be ashamed of.  Uh huh.)

Pedophilia

There are bad vampires, a showdown, and OH YEAH JACOB FALLS IN LOVE WITH THE BABY.  What a creeper.  How do you like that, Team Jacob.

& More

I really hope parents stopped letting their kids read after Twilight 3: After Much Contemplation and Cuddling, We Kissed Once.  On the other hand, as my (adult!) sister said, “Wow, I should have kept reading after book one.”

Ok, yes, so all of the above things happen in Twilight 4, which is why it’s going to be the best movie everrrrr. This link takes you to the original article that goes through all the plot points but from a dude’s perspective (Devin Faraci’s, to be exact) and with a lot more movie references.  And it’s awesome and funny and you should read it.

Sample: “Are you imagining Kristen Stewart wearing a fake pregnancy belly and pretending to have been suddenly crippled by her own fetus? Because I am and it’s making me laugh and laugh and laugh.”  Oh, Devin.    

Anyway, this book really should have been called Twilight 4: HOW TO JUMP THE SHARK.

THIS MOVIE IS GOING TO BE CRAY-CRAY.  In order to show it in the United States, they’re going to have to neuter it.  Then in order to show it to their target demographic, they’re going to have to take this beast out back and kill it with a shotgun and replace it with a My Little Pony.

I CANNOT WAIT.

Love,

MM

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