Dear Nicholas Sparks

25 Sep

Dear Nicholas Sparks,

Gag me with a spoon.  YOU WRITE ROMANCE NOVELS.  (I mean, seriously, at first glance, does anyone disagree with this statement?  Nicholas Sparks does.  He says he writes love stories.  Like Romeo and Juliet.)

GET OVER YOURSELF.  YOU ARE NOT HEMINGWAY as you claim in this USA Today interview:”‘A Farewell to Arms, by Hemingway. Good stuff. That’s what I write,’ he says…’That’s what I write.'”  Blech. I think I just threw up in my mouth.

YOU ARE NOT SHAKESPEARE.  You hand-wrote The Last Songno, not just the movie, also the novel— as a vehicle for Miley Cyrus, which mostly makes you a sell-out, which is cool, I would love to be a sell-out (any takers?)— BUT IT CERTAINLY DOES NOT MAKE YOU A GREAT LITERARY GENIUS.

AND DON’T EVEN MENTION JANE AUSTEN TO ME.  What is your disdain for romance novels anyway?  You’re just slamming your entire fanbase, all of whom buy you because they like reading romance novels, since that is what you write.  (Let me clarify: this letter is not about your books.  It is about your big fat head and how somebody needs to pop it to let out a little helium so you can come back down to earth.)  Is it because romance novels are “women’s literature”?  Is that the problem?

I mean, clearly writing women’s literature is a problem.  Hell, if I had a chance to gain respect in the literary world– or the real world for that matter– simply by being a man, I wouldn’t let people forget my gender either.

Way to grab all that white male privilege by the throat and shake it ’til it gives up the goods, Nicholas!

Also, you want to slam Cormac McCarthy?  Fine.  But let’s compare his interview to yours and see who comes out smelling like bacon.

MM

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4 Responses to “Dear Nicholas Sparks”

  1. margosita 25 September 2010 at 4:53 pm #

    Amazing and hilarious!

  2. Nisha 16 October 2011 at 6:09 am #

    Dear MM,
    Nicholas sparks may not be Shakespeare because he was not born during that era. Nicolas Sparks is contemporary. The world has evolved and so has literature. Had sparks tried to write like Shakespeare, you would have probably called him a clone without a writing style of his own! Every writer writes for a passion and an audience. Every author wants to be known. his passion probably lies in writing romantic novels and his audience is contemporary. That is why he writes the way he writes! maybe you should try some writing of your own… you would realise what an effort it really is!!!

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Notes From the Undergrads #3 | Poetry International’s Weblog - 20 October 2010

    […] newly released novels.  I didn’t read A Million Little Pieces, the Twilight Saga or any one of Nicholas Sparks’ hundreds of mushy gushy romance novels.  However, when I went into a bookstore last week, I couldn’t help being sucked into the […]

  2. Notes From the Undergrads #3 « Poetry International's Weblog - 10 April 2012

    […] newly released novels.  I didn’t read A Million Little Pieces, the Twilight Saga or any one of Nicholas Sparks’ hundreds of mushy gushy romance novels.  However, when I went into a bookstore last week, I couldn’t help being sucked into the […]

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