Dear Kristen Bell

24 Sep

Dear Kristen Bell,

I honestly can’t believe it’s taken me this long to write this letter.  I LOVE VERONICA MARS.  How could anyone not love this show?  It’s amazing.  There’s drama, and mystery, and laughs, and a whole lotta sass and attitude.  This girl is in high school and she helps run her dad’s PI office for an after-school job and she has a pit bull named Back-Up and a trunk full of disguises and a taser.  That she uses.  With some frequency.  Sometimes on criminals, sometimes on high school bullies.  And Kristen Bell, you are wonderful in this show!  You are a smart little firecracker with a fierce gleam in your eye and man, do you know how to keep the speed of witty repartee flying around the racetrack.

But girl, you have made nothing but junk since then.  I don’t know who your agent is, but lord.  Find a new one.  Yes, Forgetting Sarah Marshall was hysterical, but you were not the best thing in it.  When in Rome almost made a few people I know puke on the airplane, on their way to Rome.

I think things started to go downhill when you grew your hair out.  It was the last season of Veronica Mars…and all of a sudden, your bob started inching its way down to your shoulders, and then it just kept going, and soon you looked like a Hollywood romantic comedy star and soon after that V. Mars just didn’t have quite the ferocity she used to….I believe the term is, “she went soft.”

And maybe you were trying to prep for your exit from the show, but we have enough vapid blonde rom-com stars!  You could have been different!  You could have gone after PI or crime or action-adventure roles!  You were great as a TV actress.  I hear HBO has some pretty good shows….actually, I hear you’re pretty good in your guest role on Party Down. We’re in the Golden Age of TV!  Why the mad flight to the big screen?  CUT YOUR HAIR AND GET YOURSELF A SASSY LAWYER SHOW.

Maybe your rumored-and-not-likely-to-happen triumphant return as V.Mars in the V.Mars movie will put you back on track?  I sure hope so…first of all, I would definitely go see that.  And then talk about it a lot for days afterward.  I have friends offering to set me up with someone based solely on our shared love of V.Mars.  I honestly think it could work out.  Second, I hate to see good sass go to waste.

Also, you probably should not refer to yourself as a “punky babydoll” as you did when a guest judge on Project Runway unless you’re going to act like it.  We’re seeing a whole lotta babydoll and not nearly enough punk from you these days. V.Mars would mock you in the girls’ bathroom on her way out the door to tase some fools.

Love you! (but you’re making it reeeeeally hard right now!)

MM

PS– Even I will not go see You Again.  How exactly do you not know that your brother’s marrying a girl you went to high school with?  More importantly, how exactly do you take that cast of smart, fierce women and turn them into petty, vapid parodies of all the worst stereotypes of women?  Somebody ought to be ashamed.  Possibly everyone.

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3 Responses to “Dear Kristen Bell”

  1. Elizabeth 4 October 2010 at 9:33 pm #

    Since you have written this post, I have now watched, unabashedly the first season and a half of Veronica Mars in approximately one week. Thank you, and simultaneously, give me my life back!

  2. margaret michelle 4 October 2010 at 9:54 pm #

    YAYAYAYAYAYAYAY! V.Mars is the best. You can have your life back in another week. They only made three seasons.

  3. Elizabeth 4 October 2010 at 10:01 pm #

    Thank you, your blog still rocks, even though we quibbled about clapping at the movies. Glad you had an awesome summer in Italy. Keep on writing!

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