Dear Martha Stewart Knife That Tried To Kill Me

3 Sep

Dear Martha Stewart Knife That Tried To Kill Me,

Look, I get that you’re fierce and all, having been conceived in prison, but what happened last night was not cool.  I was chopping shallots!  Shallots!  I wasn’t cutting stone for the keystones of a cathedral arch or hacking through bones (possibly chicken? or dug-up artifacts?)

And then you just BROKE! Like a breaking wave, except not nearly as good for surfing, and way more dangerous, because you fell towards MY FOOT.  I LIKE MY FOOT.  I like it one piece, preferably.

Martha Stewart is dangerous. This knife sucks.

How did this even happen?  Aren’t knives—- the knife part—- usually made out of one piece of metal?  Am I just so awesomely strong that I can split metal with my bare hands, even when its safely encased in a handle?  Or did I do it with my MIND?  But really, it fell towards my foot, and I don’t want to do my homework, so going for a hand would have been a better option… or an eye…. maybe my brain… did this knife just try to achieve its secret dream of being a surgeon’s scalpel?  Look, sweetie, I know those things are sleek and skinny, but beautiful comes in all shapes and sizes!  You gotta do you!

Anyway, Martha, I’m very disappointed in you.  Plus you make shoddy knives.  There’s just no excuse for that.  The local knife-throwers won’t let you back in to lead them anymore if you’re going to pull crap like this.  And what does this say for your new samurai sword collection, coming spring 2011 at affordable prices to a convenient store location?




2 Responses to “Dear Martha Stewart Knife That Tried To Kill Me”

  1. skhor 4 September 2010 at 9:21 pm #

    Mags, I’m going with super-awesome strength that you just forgot to control for a split second. You lost control. I wish I could make an appropriate super-hero reference here, but all I’m coming up with are Twilight jokes.

  2. Katie H. 14 September 2010 at 9:35 am #

    I hope Martha doesn’t come after you for slander . . . though I suppose it’s not slander if it’s true.

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