Dear Joseph Gordon Levitt,
Ok, I have a crush on you from when you were in Brick. Even though I still can’t understand half the dialogue and was still asking questions throughout the entire movie by the third time I saw it, the nerdy-nerd-bird from Third Rock From the Sun and sweet-yet-dweeby boy from 10 Things I Hate About You had clearly grown up.
Or just gotten a haircut. I don’t know, you’re slightly confusing, I don’t think your face has changed from 14 to 29. But the haircut is clearly working for you!
And somewhere in there I read an interview that convinced me that you’re smart and choose smart scripts and that made me like you….smarty-smartpants.
Right! And I was willing to overlook (500) Days of Summer: Not a Love Story But Obviously Still a Love Story with Just a Slight Twist But Hardly Groundbreaking Like The Filmmakers Claim. Don’t even get me started on that movie. Yada yada yada it was so different it was new so refreshing…hellooooooo people it was a rom-com with a slightly shifted timeline. And JGL, how clingy can you be? She even warned you. She never lied, never said she changed her mind.
(Also: Ikea? Please. The grocery store is sexier. I’ve never seen anybody looking that happy in Ikea. You know why? Ikea is like hell but with worse lighting.) And then yes, ok, she turned around and was a total hypocrite because heaven forbid we have a girl who actually doesn’t end up in love with somebody at the end of the movie. Heaven forbid those stereotypes go unenforced once! Yeesh.
It’s possible I’m biased against the movie. It was summer. I was dating the nicest guy ever— someone who would have willingly gone to Ikea with me, for example, to hold my hand against the onslaught of desk choices (ask any writer about the mania involved in choosing a desk. They’ll know). And I was about to leave for graduate school. Without him. And I didn’t feel all that conflicted about it. I’d warned him! He’d watched me apply! Anyway, I’m pretty sure we watched the movie together and then I cried and told him I felt mean and heartless (because I sometimes was). He forgave me. I had the decency to feel worse. But then I felt better. Then I left. And we broke up.
Like I said: I may have been over-identifying with the movie. Or maybe I wasn’t. Maybe it was just the right amount of projecting my life into fictional big screen drama, because there clearly is such a thing as the right amount of that.
Anyway! Every other girl in this world apparently caught up with me when Inception was released. Facebook Status Updates July 2010:
“Can Joseph Gordon-Levitt come marry me already?”
“Why didn’t anyone tell me Joseph Goreden Levitttt is sooo hotttt?”
“JGL is super cute! He’s ‘dreamy’! Ha. Ha. I know what a pun is!”
I just saw Inception. And JGL, your haircut is as compelling as ever. But your character is about the blandest thing in that movie. You barely say anything, you’re stiff as a board, you register almost no emotion, including when you find out your BFF is maybe going to kill you all. You apparently don’t know much about the field you’re working in, and you “have no imagination.” Including the fact that you can’t dream about big guns. Ummmm.
Which is fine! That was your role! But what was the attraction? Had no one seen your face before? Was everyone else as turned off by the clingy, lovesick puppy in 500 Days as I was so that even this was an improvement? Do we really, really, really just want to see a man with a gun in his hands?
Or do we as a culture have a secret fetish for anti-gravity wrestling in hotel hallways? If so, the future holds great promise…
Anyway, call me. I’ve got an idea for a rom-com that doesn’t end with falling in love. It actually will be groundbreaking. I’ll let you wear the leather jacket from Inception if you want and there will definitely be a song-and-dance number and some crazy-fast noir dialogue. No need to change what works.
I’ll even put a number in the title to tempt you to the project.