Dear Federal Scientists of Oil Notoriety

5 Aug

Dear Federal Scientists of Oil Notoriety,

Look, it’s nice to know that there’s still some cock-eyed optimism in the world.  But generally I prefer my cock-eyed optimism to come from children and kicksy old folks, not federal scientists in charge of evaluating the damage the worst oil spill in history has done to the environment.

It’s great that “the ‘vast majority’ of the 205.8 million gallons released into the Gulf has either evaporated ‘or been burned, skimmed and recovered from the well head, or dispersed'” (Seattle Times).  Congratulations.  (Idiots.)

So you say 25% evaporated or dissolved.  24% was dispersed into droplets. 26% is on or below the surface in a sheen, tar balls, or has washed up onto shore, or is buried in sand or sediment, or is otherwise just hanging out with its pants undone.

Maybe I’m confused about basic science here, but…when things evaporate, don’t they just change form but you know, not actually disappear?  Couldn’t it potentially be harmful to have millions of gallons of oil in the air?  And the 24% in droplets… does oil change into water just because it’s in a raindrop shape?  And yes, ok, the oil all originally came from the earth, and so if it’s in sand or sediment, it’s returned to the earth (yes, in a biblical sense)—- but don’t birds and turtles and fish lay eggs in sand?  Sit on it?  Sunbathe with tanning oil….oh wait, that’s humans.  I guess that’s the plus side.  No need to bring your own tanning oil/instant cancer maximizer with you to the Gulf Coast anymore.  Just show up and roll around in the sand!

I get that I’m not an expert.  But by my count that’s 75% of the oil that’s almost (but not quite) as loose as Rollergirl.  So while your numbers might be right (doubtful), who taught you how to draw conclusions?  How did you get from the above to the  environmental damage is not as bad as predicted and to the leaking oil well poses little threat to the Gulf of Mexico?

SERIOUSLY, GUYS.  I’d like to know.  Because you’re making Inception look as straightforward as 2+2=4.

STOP THE MADNESS.  SAVE THE BABY (fill in the blank)S.

for the dodos’ sake,



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