Dear Milk Vending Machines

6 May

Dear Milk Vending Machines,

Milk! Ah! Does the body good!

So I was in high school when they finally had enough with these sugary soda pops corrupting our young adolescents’ dietary habits and teeth or some such nonsense and they put vending machines in, well…in the vending machine room.  Yep.  There was a room.  Devoted to vending machines.  Not large enough to actually sit in, not small enough to be a closet…sometimes student council made posters in there.  That was about it.

And yes, I say “they” as in the mysterious amalgam of adults (administrators, parents, PTA dictators) that rule teenagers’ lives and environments, because I to this day do not know who actually drove this or most other movements for change in my high school.

Ok. So now we could choose to drink: milk. 2%, 1%, fat-free.  Chocolate, strawberry, or GAH orange.  Mocha.  And oh man, did we choose to drink milk (not my school in the article, but true nonetheless).  We loved it.  Nothing like chocolate milk to get you through the post-lunch sleep blues.  Plus, it was healthier.

Or, as the Vencoa vending machines website pitches it:

“Sales of milk in milk vending machines allow vending machine operators to gain a share of this lucrative market. Milk has gained much praise for its health benefits along the lines of these new health trends [aka parents looking unfavorably upon childhood obesity and diabetes]. Scientific research has even found a correlate between low fat milk consumption and weight loss. The conventional benefits of milk still exist: including maintenance of strong bones and healthy teeth.”

Hahaha. So basically, everyone was happy.  Except for coke, but whatevs. They have enough money to be happy forever.

And then some revolutionary wise-ass in my class looked at the nutritional information (radical, right?) and turns out flavored milk has as much sugar in it as coke.  SHOCKING. DESPAIR. DISMAY. OH NO. WHAT WILL WE DO.

More concerning was the fact that the milk vending machine broke down about twice a day, which resulted in waaaaaaay more complaints to teachers and the main office than they were interested in hearing.  “Seriously?” their faces said. “Again?! Now what am I going to drink with my peanut butter and jelly sandwich?

Because they, too, were happy milk-drinkers.  I think once a teacher responded to a student’s complain (also a blatant admission the student had not, in fact, been going to the bathroom) with “This is history. Sit down and learn history.” And then he called the main office to report the problem.

Bless public education.

Love,

MM

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One Response to “Dear Milk Vending Machines”

  1. Elizabeth 7 May 2010 at 3:34 am #

    I like beer vending machines even better. Although not in schools. It would be an interesting experiment however

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