Dear Half & Half

13 Apr

Dear Half & Half,

First of all, how funny is your name? It’s like those law firms that are called “Brooks, Brooks, and Brooks.” I mean, seriously? How necessary is that? Couldn’t you just call it “Nepotism Inc”?

Also, somebody once tried to convince me that you are made up of half heavy cream and half water.  That is disgusting.  Also it’s not true.  You are, more logically, half cream and half milk.  Now, curiously enough, when we Americans say, “I take cream in my coffee”– we actually mean half  & half.  And not just the cream half. Being a liquid, that’d be rather hard to separate out.  It’s also a very specific colloquial use of the word “take”…but we won’t get into that.

Instead, I’d like to thank you.  You are approximately “half” of what makes my morning coffee so delectable, so delightful, so soul-inspiring.  The other halves being the caffeine, the coffee, the sugar, the warm mug, the smell, the ritual…

Having milk in my coffee makes me sad.  The color of my coffee becomes more dirty snow on the sidewalk in March and less chocolate, the texture more dirt runoff than warm melted caramel…having no sort of dairy in my coffee usually results in tears and continual unhappy faces like a ten year-old choking down vegetables.

(Give me a latte with whole milk and I’m pretty sure there won’t be wars anymore.)

So, half & half (why don’t we have a real name for you?!?), thank you for easing me into each day.




2 Responses to “Dear Half & Half”

  1. Matt L. 28 April 2010 at 6:43 am #

    I accidently bought non-fat half and half a few months ago…what the hell is that? I don’t even know how that can exist, and yet it still tasted fine. It weirds me out though, so I don’t buy it anymore.

  2. margaret michelle 28 April 2010 at 8:46 am #

    it weirds you out because it’s a sin against nature. i can’t believe it tasted fine!

    …it’s like low-fat syrup. Now that– I can definitely taste the difference. Low-fat syrup tastes like vitamin water, like almost flavor…you can almost…wait…no….nope, there’s nothing there, it’s just water.

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