Dear Spring Break

25 Mar

Dear Spring Break,

Ooooh you’re looking gooooood to me.  Yeah, that’s right.  Come closer.  Just a little bit closer–my, you smell like fresh flowers and well, let’s be honest, you also kind of reek of booze.

And you look a little bit like you’ve been letting frat boys have their way with you. For years. Yuck. What is it about you, exactly, that inspires such mad debauchery in others?  I see you, and I want to lie down and take a nap, not drink tequila like water and puke off the side of a party boat while my girlfriends try to hold my hair, lei, and bikini straps out of the way.

Ah, you dippy alcoholic April week– you make me miss the quarter system.  Quarters mean no homework over spring break, and they also (in the case of my undergraduate school) meant my birthday fell over the course of spring break, and they also mean when you come back to school you can count on a slow first week of the new quarter, thus extending the “break” part of the “spring break.”  Semesters suck. They offer me none of these things.

So. Be safe. Find tips on sexual assault prevention here.  I highly recommend this article, actually.  It’s a fresh take on the same ol’ same ol’ and well worth a read.  I’d say it’s highly amusing, and it is….but it’s also very serious.  No other tips are 100% guaranteed to work quite like these are.

So spring break, I wouldn’t mind if you sobered up a bit and took a shower and remembered to put just a few clothes on next time….but let’s be real: I’ll take you any way you come.



PS– for all you people who work in the real world: you have my deepest sympathies.  On the plus side, you don’t have to do homework?


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