Archive | March, 2010

Dear Congress

29 Mar

Dear Congress,

WHOREHOUSE. I hope you at least all get tested regularly.

Seriously, does this even need to be said? Apparently it does, so let me have the honor:


If you need to hear this again, set up a buddy system. This would be: when you feel tempted, call a friend and have them remind you to behave yourself in a LEGAL way and maintain respectful BOUNDARIES. Have them remind you of the CONSEQUENCES for your behavior. Ask them to remind you how to be a DECENT human being.

You’ll notice I don’t care whether you are male or female. Or if the staffer is male or female.

Seriously. I know you all have mahogany desks and dark oak paneling, that does not mean your offices are actually bordellos.

Are we clear now?


PS– Female staffers, I know you have put up with sexual harassment for YEARS and there is a double standard and….I wonder how many congresspeople we would have left if everyone who has felt uncomfortable came forward?  Anyone want to take the over/under on that?


Dear Spring Break

25 Mar

Dear Spring Break,

Ooooh you’re looking gooooood to me.  Yeah, that’s right.  Come closer.  Just a little bit closer–my, you smell like fresh flowers and well, let’s be honest, you also kind of reek of booze.

And you look a little bit like you’ve been letting frat boys have their way with you. For years. Yuck. What is it about you, exactly, that inspires such mad debauchery in others?  I see you, and I want to lie down and take a nap, not drink tequila like water and puke off the side of a party boat while my girlfriends try to hold my hair, lei, and bikini straps out of the way.

Ah, you dippy alcoholic April week– you make me miss the quarter system.  Quarters mean no homework over spring break, and they also (in the case of my undergraduate school) meant my birthday fell over the course of spring break, and they also mean when you come back to school you can count on a slow first week of the new quarter, thus extending the “break” part of the “spring break.”  Semesters suck. They offer me none of these things.

So. Be safe. Find tips on sexual assault prevention here.  I highly recommend this article, actually.  It’s a fresh take on the same ol’ same ol’ and well worth a read.  I’d say it’s highly amusing, and it is….but it’s also very serious.  No other tips are 100% guaranteed to work quite like these are.

So spring break, I wouldn’t mind if you sobered up a bit and took a shower and remembered to put just a few clothes on next time….but let’s be real: I’ll take you any way you come.



PS– for all you people who work in the real world: you have my deepest sympathies.  On the plus side, you don’t have to do homework?

Dear Birthday

23 Mar

Dear Birthday,

Hello.  Nice to see you once again. I have to say, you always do arrive on time…

I’m not sure how I feel about 24.  I mean, ok, I’m still a spring chicken and all, but 24 feels solidly in the mid-twenties, rather than the early twenties, and every year I get farther away from 16 (I did not love 16, but that’s when Sylvia Plath published her first poem in The New Yorker) (then again, she also ended with her head in an oven) (maybe my goal should not be to emulate her life).

I have to say, I was kind of hoping for a pony, but I guess I’ll take healthcare reform (in whatever form it takes) as a substitute.

Ponies are overrated anyway.

Besides, 24 used to be my favorite answer in the times tables.  It’s divisible by so many things! 1, 2, 3, 4, 6, 8, 12, 24…so many options! SO MANY possibilities!

Yes.  We’ll get along just fine, 24 and I.  Right? Right?!?!?!



PS– Thank you to everyone who already helped me to celebrate, and everyone who will celebrate with me today, and next week, and…..oh, I just get the one day? Are you sure?  Not the whole year?  What about in my own head? Can I keep the whole year in my own head? And have cupcakes sometimes?  Great. Thanks. Appreciate it.

Dear Celebrity Nicknames

18 Mar

Dear Celebrity Nicknames,

I’m talking to you, RobPat, K.Stew, but above all, SCARJO.

I don’t particularly like any of you (people), and so I find it amusing that your nicknames are so unflattering/downright ugly.

RobPat sounds like a hideous takeoff on the game of Patty Cake, with possibly some sort of inappropriate sexual advance incorporated (how….appropriate).

K.Stew sounds like some awful sort of brown-colored chunky soup (sorry K.Stew, I think you’re pretty and I like you in Adventureland, but your facial expressions and posture…well…).

And I’m not sure SCARJO needs any sort of detailing.

I don’t even want to get into the celebrity-couple portmanteaus because they make me gag. (Click on that link. It has a “make your moniker” machine.  That’s right.  Now you too can disgust yourselves and others by having a combined name with your loved one. You already have one? Never mind.  I don’t want to know.  KEEP IT TO YOURSELF).

Anyway, this odd, because I LOVE that these things exist.  It’s one of those odd facets of pop culture that shows how far from being real people we believe these celebrities to be.  Besides, this is the girl who at age eight, asked her parents, “What’s Bill doing now?” in reference to Bill Clinton’s State of the Union address.

What can I say.  Everybody’s a close friend.


Dear Geography

16 Mar

Dear Geography,

You are confusing. You are not my best subject.

For example: south is not “down” and north is not “up” despite what the legend would appear to indicate.  This is made additionally confusing because we refer to northern places as up there and southern places as down here, i.e., “So when are you coming up here?” or “Are you headed down to California soon?”

Also: New York is both a city and a state, and often people don’t bother to clarify of which they are speaking. Also: the capitol of South Dakota is a French name.  Also: boundaries between states/countries/etc are not only not straight lines, but they also sometimes don’t follow rivers, mountains, or any other logical demarcations.

Also: countries sometimes change their names.  Whole countries! Disappearing over night! Confusing mapmakers and fourth graders everywhere! (Mostly me.)  Also: a lot of little countries look very similar and are located very close to one another (see: Eastern Europe) (also: Southeast Asia).

Also: in eighth grade we had to memorize all the states and all their capitols, and then all the countries and all their capitols, and we had to do this by filling in maps and labeling them.  The kicker?  We had to color the maps in and were graded on aesthetics.  HALF THE GRADE was based on our COLORING ability. Eighth grade.  This tells you three things: 1) how valued geographic knowledge was in my education (not) and 2) how bad I am at coloring and 3) how nerdy I am.  Any normal (i.e. well-socialized and fun, well-rounded human being) would love the fact that half their grade was based on coloring.  It stressed me out (see: my feelings re: crafts).  And yes, I am bad at geography, but I am great at memorizing things (see: above reference to Pierre, South Dakota).  So yes, I would have preferred that my whole grade was based on the supposedly more high-pressure task of memorizing 237 countries and their capitols.  I know, right?!?

(I stand by this preference today.)

Anyway, all of this combined has added up to what my friend has dubbed “MM geography facts” also known as things I say that sound like fact but which, in reality, I have just made up.  See: “Santa Barbara is at least six hours from here.” See: “the cost of doughnuts is rising due to the increased value of water in desert communities.”  See: my explanation of where East-side suburbs are in relation to Seattle (I would explain, but I can’t).  See: “poetry professors are more highly valued today due to the devaluation of business-financiers as caused by the collapse of wall street.”  See: “Mormons are going to outlast everyone in the apocalypse due to their ability to bake bread and build things with their hands and procreate” (this last one is actually, 100% true).

Anyway, geography, wishing you all the best and no hard feelings except about the coloring thing,


PS–Do NOT ask me the capitol of North Dakota. I don’t know it.

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