Dear Tights

18 Dec

Dear Tights,

With the awesome vertical stitching and general cute-ness: you say one size fits all.

YET. I am 5’6″.

Also known as NOT THAT TALL and your crotch doesn’t reach my crotch and that means we have a PROBLEM. I am making the universal sign for crotch-to-crotch dysfunction right now. It came out of trying on vintage onesies and jumpsuits but it is applicable here and now so I am putting it into service. Someday there will be a youtube video. You heard it here first. Such a gesture exists and it comes in handy surprisingly often.

Also known as I went out and bought three different pairs of tights because it was the mall and there was a live band playing and children screaming and strollers blocking the escalators and my mother and sister discussing minute details of fabric compositions and salespeople offering “three for $27” and the people and music and lights, my god, the very holiday spirit of it all throwing up all over me…

When I was little, I hated tights. They pulled in places that you don’t want things pulling, then now or ever. As a result, I forced my mother to buy my tights just a *little* bigger than I needed them.

A Very Merry Matching Velvet Christmas (and yes, I think that is a pizza)

As a result, I had saggy knees from the ages of about two to six (oh all right then, nine). At which point I refused to wear tights entirely.

It's like I'm wearing leg warmers for crying out loud.

Now I’m an adult, so I am fractionally more tolerant of things that aren’t comfortable. Thought I still mostly get dressed by the feel test: ie, how soft does this feel? does it have stretch? (Hey people, don’t judge. Some of my classes are three hours long and yes we sit in those individual table-chair amalgamations that might actually be relics from medieval days of torture.)

But above and beyond that, today my sister said, “I just got these tights that I’m wearing. And they’re a little too big. And they are so much more comfortable this way.”

Yep. That happened.



PS– If any of you want to share your old Santa photos / matching-velvet-dresses-with-lace-collars pictures, you know where to find me.

PPS– What is that Santa looking at? How did two children manage to look straight into the camera, and he, who not only is an adult but looks into that cheeping stuffed animal’s eyes professionally, is staring way off into right field?


4 Responses to “Dear Tights”

  1. Taylor 19 December 2009 at 9:51 am #

    Maggles, I think I might be the only person out there who knows the crotchsize dilemma hand gesture! We MUST make a video of it for all the world to see. This gesture can really be applied to ANY SITUATION where something you thought, logically, should be working, just plain ISN’T. My CROTCH is supposedly up HERE. But as it turns out, it’s down here. The bafflement one feels at this type of dilemma is truly universal. This gesture must be shared.

    Also I miss you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


  2. margaret michelle 19 December 2009 at 6:40 pm #

    you’re right. it’s practically a mandate. maybe the most useful hand gesture ever invented since that choking thing i’ve heard about. youtube fame, here we come… maybe the band could do a theme song for it? thoughts?

  3. skhor 2 January 2010 at 1:54 am #

    oh man, we were watching old family videos over break, and in one of them, i’m like five years old and wearing a dress and tights. and i’m adjusting. throughout the entire clip. and it reminded me of this post and how universal a problem tights are. 😀

  4. margaret michelle 2 January 2010 at 10:28 am #

    crotchtacular. really, men just don’t understand. sometimes, you just can’t wait to fix a problem.

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