Dear Old Men In Yoga Class,
Yes. You. Hello. I appreciate that you want to work on your flexibility, strength, inner peace, inner goddess, etc. like all the rest of us here today.
I understand that we’re supposed to breathe audibly and there’s a yoga name for it I can’t think of right now. We’re also supposed to put our butts in the air and push backward, straining against the fabric and probably we’re going to sweat as we do this, given that the room is approximately two hundred and ten degrees.
But I am not sure why you need to breathe MORE audibly than anyone else in class. In a specifically old-man-type-way, so it’s very easy to identify that it is you. As class goes on, it becomes more of a continual groan coming from your corner, the connotations of which I’m not entirely comfortable with.
I am also not sure why you need to wear loose gym shorts to class. The problem with these is that they slide up your thighs. Not that I’m looking. But I would rather not have to be wary of even glancing in your general direction, which sometimes happens accidentally when I’m looking around for the elephant giving birth.
As a side note, and I know you can’t help this one, the sweat stains along aforementioned loose gym shorts are atrocious. As is the sweat puddling along the back of your tank top. No, the solution is not to take off your tank top. Thank you for asking.
Part of why yoga is so popular for women is because it’s not generally a gym filled with sweating, groaning, heaving men. It’s a place where we can go, and have quiet, and focus on our bodies without feeling invaded or intimidated by the equipment or the equipment users. I know yoga is for everyone. But maybe– kind of like there are yoga classes specifically for pregnant women– there could be class specifically for you! Where you could all go, and do yoga, and be men, doing yoga, but not in my yoga class. You could all do it naked if you wanted! Hell, you could play rock music and sing along (it’s like really, really loud breathing) and be naked and do yoga. That could be great fun.
What do you say? In the meantime, try to keep the breathing to a minimum.
Volume-wise, I mean. I recommend doing it regularly.