Dear Phone

19 Aug

Dear Phone,

Please stop turning yourself on.

I mean it. Those chimes every minute and a half are driving me crazy, and I’m starting to think you’re possessed.

Seriously. Shut up and turn yourself off, if this if how it’s going to be, and stay that way until I can get you disemboweled at the store tomorrow.

We’ll just deprogram and it’ll be fine. Shhh. Go to sleep now. Please. Please.

The fact that you’re less than a month old is troubling, but it’s all ok, just shhhhhhhhhh. You’ll like it back at the factory. SHUSH.



PS– I hate you. I would disembowel you myself if I thought they would still give me my money back.


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