Dear Paper Toilet Seat Covers

15 Jul

Dear Paper Toilet Seat Covers,

I’ve got a bone to pick with you. If, as my mother and sister claim (both almost public health experts) (don’t ask) you can’t get diseases from toilet seats– EVEN THE WET ONES– why do you exist?

Above and beyond that, what’s with your design? Right, so I pull this little toilet shaped thing (you) out of a cardboard holder on the wall, and I try to arrange you over the toilet seat without letting you drift in. If you drift in, it’s all over. Except you’re made of tissue paper (refer to point A: how, even if there were diseases, would you do any good at all? especially with wet ones, that just soak right through you?) and therefore, being made of tissue paper, you drift toward water like a cow toward cud.

And, say I get you positioned. Turns out the hole in you is occupied by more tissue paper, still attached at certain points around the oval and a long strip at the mouth of the toilet. (Yes, that’s a technical term.) So I rip through the little points, reposition you…

Keep in mind I’m engaged in this activity at all because I HAVE TO PEE.

…and the hole-shaped tissue paper in the middle drifts downward (obviously), gets wet, and since it’s still attached to the rest of you through the strip at mouth, begins to drag you all down.

If my pants are still fastened, I’ve got a real problem at this point. It’s a speed game, and it’s anybody’s call whether you’re going to be soaked through with toilet water and lost forever or I’m going to A) get my pants down one-handed while holding onto you– hoping the side I’m not holding doesn’t make any sudden moves– or B) let you go and go for the button and zipper with two hands, twirling and sitting with my eyes closed, no knowledge of whether I’m going to hit toilet seat cover or bare-butt toilet. With potential diseases.

Wouldn’t the horse-shoe shaped toilet seat cover, sans the filled-in middle, have a better chance of staying still? If I’m not going to get any diseases, why am I bothering? If there are diseases, don’t I, in the process of all this, end up touching the disease-ridden toilet seat a LOT? Why is the seat so wet, anyway? A bad-aim pee-er? A squatter, perhaps, so afraid of diseases she has to hover above the toilet and increase everybody else’s risk by peeing directly onto the toilet seat? How far above the toilet is she if she’s missing that badly anyway? Or is it just a powerful flush? Why aren’t more toilets eco-friendly anyway? Isn’t it just an extra button and a difference in water flow? Maybe that would take care of the splash…

Maybe I should squat above the toilet and pee too. Ooh, Kathy loves Johnnie? Oh MAN this stall is out of toilet paper???

And men wonder why it takes women so long to go to the bathroom.

And you, paper toilet seat covers, really have to go. I mean, come on, has anyone ever walked into a stall and refused to go because there were no paper toilet seat covers available? No. Never. Because you’re unnecessary and poorly designed and harder to get positioned than a diaper on a wiggling baby. And the whole point of being an adult is that we don’t need paper on our butts to go to the bathroom.

Toodles,

MM

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6 Responses to “Dear Paper Toilet Seat Covers”

  1. kristendoc 16 July 2009 at 9:15 am #

    I agree with everything you said. Everything. I HATE those toilet seat covers. Mostly I hate the small piece of shame that hits when I go into the bathroom at the same time as someone and hear them messing with the toilet cover whereas I don’t even bother. They probably think I’m disgusting. I think they can suck it.

  2. margaret michelle 16 July 2009 at 10:43 am #

    RIGHT?!?!?

  3. skhor 16 July 2009 at 9:31 pm #

    Sometimes I think about how awkward it would be to get an STI (STD, for those of us from pre-“its an infection not a disease” times) and then to have to explain to someone (like a boyfriend with whom one is monogamous) how exactly that happened.

    Then I realize how much I have to pee and think “Screw it.”

  4. hesaidandshesaid 29 July 2009 at 5:06 pm #

    brilliant. i’m laughing so hard reading this.

  5. elizabusiness 12 August 2009 at 4:16 pm #

    http://www.mcsweeneys.net/links/openletters/55sitopen.html

    Here is the letter I keep thinking you may enjoy. You’ll notice that there is also an address to submit your work, which is very, very enjoyable. Thanks for writing such delightful letters, lady.

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