Archive | June, 2009

Dear Man in Suit with Leaf Blower

25 Jun

Dear Man in Suit with Leaf Blower,

Yes. Hello. You are wearing a suit (minus the jacket, plus the tie) and you are carrying a leaf blower. Not in a casual, oh hey I happen to be transporting this leaf blower from point a to point b what’s up with you, kind of a way, but in a I INTEND TO USE THIS LEAF BLOWER TO ITS FULL EFFECT and to that purpose I have it SLUNG OVER MY SHOULDER with my finger on the trigger kind of a way.

In Pioneer Square in downtown Seattle, and through the throngs of unemployed men and across the street and down an alley.

Where are you going?  And for why?

And why dear god why with the LEAF BLOWER?  Not as in, why do you have it, but as in, why does it EXIST AND WHO CAN MAKE IT STOP?

I’ve tried to think of why you might need a leaf blower other than to blow leaves.  Something with dead bodies? A really big cockroach? An ex-wife? Something to do with baseball or football? But what will blowing on any of them do?

Are you trying to film a movie scene wherein a dog is hanging its head out the side of a car and its ears are getting blown back and its jowls are getting that crazy balloon-y effect that doesn’t look like it could possibly be fun and yet they all seem to enjoy it?

I am so confused.




Dear Theme Parties

22 Jun

Dear Theme Parties,

You are a lot of work.

And usually entail spending money to prepare a “costume” or “appropriate dress” of some sort.

And while I love being dressed appropriately– really, for almost all occasions– sometimes, it is hard enough to put on clothes-that-are-not-sweatpants and leave the house for a social event.

Much less find Seventies clothing (a tangerine orange dress, check), Eighties wear (a backless pink number with huge shoulders, reminiscent of a drunken real estate agent at her dr. husband’s networking party), a Cowgirl outfit (oh please so taken care of), a Flapper/Great Gatsby/Mafia something (check check and checkmate), British Garden Party formality (2 points for bow ties and hats with gigantic flowers! check…) or Bollywood-worthy sparkles (by this time next month…che-eck.)

I guess maybe, actually, I have most situations covered. Against my will. Due to friends and relatives with overzealous enthusiasm for theme parties. And a basement with ample storage space.

But I do NOT endorse such things. I DON’T. Although I am trying to convince a certain someone in my life to make his birthday Hipster themed to see if it makes his friends’ heads explode. In their attempt to mock themselves without acknowledging their own hipster status (hipster rule numero uno: never admit you are a hipster. hate all other hipsters with a equal amount of disdain and condescending humor).

And wearing leggings as pants for one night just sounds like an experience of this decade I ought not to miss and yet cannot attempt without the safe cover of a Theme Night.

But after that, they are definitely banned from my life. Definitely. Oh, and the Bollywood party. After that.



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