Dear Swine Flu

2 May

Dear Swine Flu,

Let’s get one thing straight: I’m not a hypochondriac.  I get legitimately sick.  A lot.

Kind of an absurd amount, actually, and sometimes doctors prove themselves incapable of figuring out what’s wrong.  Like the time I had stomach pain for about eight going on fortyeleven months and they said, “Well, sometimes all we can do is rule out the bad stuff.  The good news is, you don’t have cancer.  Let me know if it gets worse and until then we’ll just have to wait it out.”

We’ll just have to wait it out??? Excuse me, I will just have to wait out.  And wait it out I did, and I had a drink two months ago and didn’t immediately throw up or double over in pain and it was glorious.

The point is– well, let’s see, this year I had:

  • whooping cough (yes.  the whoop.)
  • five colds
  • three of which turned into sinus infections
  • unexplained waves of nausea
  • among other things

I’ve been on antibiotics five times in the last four months.  I catch everything and I almost always get the worse-case symptoms, and it almost always turns into something bacterial rather than just viral.

So swine flu?  I see you!  And I’m not scared of you.

Ha!  The flu?  After having the whooping cough, I scoff at you.

35,000 people a year die of the flu.  (My neighbor just told me so and I’m sure she got it from a reliable source and if you’re interested, look it up yourself.  I’m not in school so I don’t have to cite.)

Honestly, most people who have died of the swine flu live in rural Mexico and are the elderly or the very young, and those are the people who die of flu every year– which is tragic and terrible and we really should do something about it.

STOP THE PANIC, PEOPLE.  Swine flu, get gone.

This whole “swine” label is really a nice piece of Global Panic Inducing marketing.

Mostly, though, it’s validating my germaphobe side.  Swine flu, in and of itself, is not making me wash my hands a lot and want to avoid touching people.  I always should have done those things, considering the state of my immune system, and now I have a continual reminder to– and the best part– now it’s socially acceptable!

In (somewhat poor but unrelated) health,


PS– A nice commentary on the spreading panic:


how the swine flu spread...

how the swine flu spread...


One Response to “Dear Swine Flu”

  1. Congratulations! 6 May 2009 at 5:29 am #

    You can drink again. Come visit me and we’ll do so together! Or I’ll come visit YOU next fall! Loving your letters. – K

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