Dear Dancing With The Stars,
I’ll admit it, I was reluctant at first to join your fans. I stand by the fact that I don’t like reality TV. (Oh, except for Project Runway. And Top Chef. And What Not To Wear. And Say Yes to the Dress. And Ace of Cakes, and Iron Chef… And DWTS. But those don’t count, right?)
But I watched one episode this season and fell madly in love. First off, as a child who grew up watching musicals and thinks it’s near criminal that my boyfriend G has never seen The Sound of Music (Come on! He know the songs but not where they’re from??? Or the immensity of their emotional impact. According to wikipedia, “During the Cold War, the BBC planned to broadcast The Sound of Music on radio in the event of a nuclear strike on the United Kingdom. The broadcast would be part of an emergency timetable of programs designed to “reassure” the public in the aftermath of the attack” Now that’s a musical that’s part of the zeitgeist). Like I was saying, as someone who cannot not watch a musical when it airs on TV, DWTS has a few crucial things that make me pre-programmed to love it: music and dance. Combined. And people who have dreams…don’t we all…and a lot of glitter and not very much actual dress.
Which, in a way, made me sad to see Edyta go. Even though it was high time Lawrence Taylor high-tailed it out of there. And after Julianne and Chuck’s repeated attempts to get down and dirty on the dance floor (some more successful than others, some more…distasteful than others), I was ready for him to take his pretty face back on tour. Eventually, my point being, I believe, that I think the right person has gone home throughout the season. Way to be, America.
Until last week, when as much as I’m glad Ty Murray made it through until then, it was time he hit the trail. Lil’ Kim really deserved to go to the semi-finals. And yes, yes, Ty gets Most Improved and Hardest Worker and yada yada yada. But he sucks! He’s endearing, and man he can hold a frame– but as he’s said and others, That’s what he does! Hold on! And it’s all he does. He’s still chasing Chelsie around the dance floor like– well, like she’s the bull and he fell off and is trying to get back on. But as Ty himself said in one of his greatest moments of dirty-straightface-campfire talk, “If more bulls looked like that, there’d be more bullriders.” You can almost believe he doesn’t know what he just said…
But Lil’ Kim! As my sister said, perhaps correctly, “I was thinking about it, and maybe Lil’ Kim doesn’t actually have that many fans anymore.” …Fair. But she was fabulous on DWTS. She was fun to watch and fun on the dance floor and it was really fun to try to guess each week why her torso looks so out of proportion to the rest of her. (Has she had ribs taken out? Is it really just her exercise ball butt and boobs? Maybe she no longer has a stomach…) And she inspired fabulous moments from uptight Lynn as even he couldn’t resist commenting on her “bionic booty.” (A phrase DWTS now needs to put to rest. Overuse, people! It kills things!) Plus, Derek Hough is a joy to watch and I hope he gets the part in Footloose, which I totally saw mentioned in an above-website banner that I refused to click on because I refuse to click on those things.
Anyway, my favorites throughout the season remain Gilles Mirini’s Argentine Tango (so hot my sister and her boyfriend immediately signed up for dance class and by golly, I did my best to join them but ultimately failed to convince my dance partner) and Shawn Johnson’s Cha Cha to P.Y.T. And lest we forget, nice choreography from the professionals. I keep those two episodes on my DVR and watch them occasionally. I mean…I love football. And G can protest all he wants, I can’t turn on DWTS without him sitting down on the couch. Usually with a newspaper in his hand, but it’s quickly forgotten. That’s right. I said it.
And Melissa, I admit the way you handle yourself, and good on you for behaving well in a bad situation. And how many women have been told after a bad break-up, throughout the entire history of modern society and possibly back into cave-time I just don’t have the proof, go take a class? (I still don’t really want you to win. Then again, I don’t like The Bachelor, and all this girl next door stuff is nonsense. You do have a great smile though, and I want your stomach for beach season. Though not enough to start doing sit-ups.)
At any rate, Melissa, Gilles and Shawn were the final three from the get-go, and this is now an embarrassingly long letter to DWTS. What can I say?
Best of luck,