Dear Signage

18 Apr

Dear Signage,

We’ve had several amusing encounters lately, and I’d like to document them here.

Exhibit A that grammar is important and people are bad at advertising and good at getting in their own way:

“STOP” ANTS
The Pest Store
555-1713

Tacked to a light pole near a currently empty building, formerly sketchy looking co-op market grocery (aka druglord hangout). (Hey, maybe s/he really liked fruit).

But why would I want “stop” ants? Wouldn’t I want to just, you know, actually stop them? And what’s a pest store? Is it like a pet store, but for pests? But why would I want to buy pests? So many questions, so few answers.

Exhibit B that people assume they are understood:

CHILDREN.

It’s a road sign. That says CHILDREN. On a two-lane country road in between Amherst, Northampton, Easthampton, Hadley, and Smallhampton. Or somewhere around there at any rate. What about CHILDREN? They exist? They are nice? We like them? Please drive slowly? Please pick them up?

Also amusing in the way of children near Amherst, Massachusetts:

SCHOOL BUS

Now, this may seem like a perfectly normal sign. We see this painted along the sides of…well, of school buses, all the time. What we don’t often see is this as a removable sign (complete with flashing yellow lights) on top of a sedan, a SUV, a minivan, and another sedan. That’s right, people. In Amherst, the so-called “SCHOOL BUS” is actually what I grew up referring to as a car pool…

Exhibit C that Amherst is really, really small (but lovely! oh so lovely!):

BISON FARM.

Along the highway, less than a mile from the town. That is, across the street from the Howard Johnson. Oh, I’m sorry, I mean, the HoJo. Because that sort of stupid “I’m hip with the people” self-inflicted commercial nickname worked out so well for WaMu.

So do bison go “woooah” kind of like a fog horn, or is it more of a “moooo”? Do you think they could function as SCHOOL BUS as well? For the CHILDREN?

WHEN WILL IT “STOP”?!??!

Cheers,

MM

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