Dear Old People

4 Mar

Dear Old People,

I understand that you’re old, and it’s hard for you to move quickly, and perhaps you’ve been moving quickly for many, many years, and now is your time to move however you want.  You’ve earned it.

Hell, sometimes I have trouble moving quickly, and I’m what society calls “young.”  (Labels have really got to go.)

But– but– if I understand that it is hard for you to move quickly….then should you not, also, understand that?  And maybe, possibly, potentially, wait to cross the street until you have the crosswalk light?  And also, just perhaps– this is a suggestion– look to see if cars are coming and not jump out in front of them in parking lots? (How do you jump so quickly and then walk so slowly?  Do you save up all your energy for that first step?)

Unless, of course, jaywalking is how you get your kicks and remind yourself what it is like to feel invincible (as I hear the young do).  (Myself, I lost that feeling when I got mono at age nineteen and discovered the exact size and shape of every single one of my organs.  My friends in med school can’t tell me nothin’.)

So if this is how you feel the adrenaline of risky behavior– well, carry on!

Maybe we should build you some amusement parks.  You know how there are kiddie rides, which are more gentle, for super-young folks.  And on playgrounds, there’s generally a smaller slide, and those little horses that bounce.  Maybe you would like something like that.  Bigger size, gentler design.  Let me know.  I would like it too.  (I get nauseated easily.)

Walk softly and carry a cane with reflective stripes, please,



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