Dear Facebook Status Updates

12 Feb

Dear Facebook Status Updates,

You are dangerous, and should only be allowed in the hands of people who will not abuse you: aka people who will not use you as a Facebook function. At all, generally. Because you are either inane– “Sammy Toddan thinks it is cloudy outside today :(” or waaaay, waaay too maudlin and personal.

Which, don’t get me wrong, is highly entertaining. Especially to my lovely and dear friend Eleanor who has a nose for the gems that can be found online as regarding other people’s lives. And she shares them. Which I definitely appreciate. As in the following Status Update Storyline she read to me this morning (names have been changed to protect those who apparently cannot protect themselves):

“Carl Winter Wilbaum and his wife are going honeymooning. From what I understand, Facebook does not extend into the mountains.” Relationship Status: Married.

“Carl Winter Wilbaum is it’s over. Talk to Christina.” Relationship Status: Divorced.

“Carl Winter Wilbaum is sorry. Our business is our own and not everyone on facebook. We do love you and will talk to you individually.” Comment from Nate: “um…..yeah…..i think that is in order soon.”

Real Life Comment from G at my dining room table (as in, not on the nebulous interwebs of Facebook): “Was he ever a normal person? Did he always excessively update his Facebook like this? Maybe the situation with his bride resulted in some sort of mental breakdown.”

At which point we figured out that Carl joined Facebook after he got married. As purely a format in which to express the emotional state of his marriage? The point is that, not only are employers now on Facebook, I know moms who are on Facebook. We’ll get into that and the resulting hilarity another time. And Carl is on Facebook! Everybody is on Facebook.

It’s like a giant waiting room outside a therapist’s office, where we all are trying to guess why the other people are there. Well, your status says you feel like broken glass and your relationship status says you’re single now and that boy over there is kissing a sherpa (literally, there is a picture of your boyfriend kissing something wearing fur and his status says he’s in Nepal) so maybe he’s gay? And moving to Kathmandu? And you, your status has said deee-ruuuunk for the last two months, and now you’re vacationing in California for six weeks? Hmm.

Resulting in such limited information as Jackson bought a bunch of chickens and a vespa and lives with his grandmother now. In Santa Barbara. Which is awesome. Congratulations.

At any rate, I would like to close by reminding you where we started: you should not be used lightly, Facebook Status Updates, and perhaps should not be used at all.

Consider this a PSA. And please, please, everyone keep your sex life and marital issues contained to your blog.

Cheers (and Carl, I hope everything works out for the best),



One Response to “Dear Facebook Status Updates”


  1. Dear People Who Post Cryptic Melodramatic Status Updates on Facebook « - 19 October 2010

    […] aka, you cannot sob into them and not be judged.  People judge you for the crap you post.  I judge you. If you post things like, “Glad I know who my real friends are” immediately after a life […]

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