Dear Vegan Doughnuts

5 Feb

Dear Vegan Doughnuts,

I know plenty of people (including non-vegans) who think you taste like doughnuts. Who even think you taste like good doughnuts. Like doughnuts should taste. Like delicious, fried, chewy, sugary lumps of airy or dense dough, capable of fixing the worst day or the most ridiculously early morning (same thing, really).

Like little bites of culinary heaven, the perfect marriage between substance and sugar. Like cupcakes. But meant for the morning. Preferably accompanied by coffee. With an aftertaste of warm and cuddly.

Anyway. Point being. You don’t. Taste like doughnuts, that is. You, vegan “doughnuts,” taste like cardboard. You also taste slightly virtuous, which is not how a doughnut should be. They also should not be superior, a bit smug. You taste kind of like people’s faces look when they inform you that they don’t watch TV.

You know what I say to that?  I say: Well, that just sucks. For you. Go sit in a corner with your vegan doughnut and without your TV and think about how much better you are than all the rest of us. I hope you enjoy yourself.

And yes, at this very moment, I am sticking my tongue out.  Because you taste bad.   (Vegan doughnuts.  Not Smug Superior People.  I don’t eat people.  I don’t eat vegan doughnuts either, to be fair.  But I know.  I’ve tried.  And failed.  That’s how bad you taste.)



2 Responses to “Dear Vegan Doughnuts”

  1. wilson 11 February 2009 at 12:34 pm #

    I, too, hate vegan doughnuts. They give me a sore throat–probably from their smugness. (No, I cannot connect those dots–unlike you, you genius connector of vegan doughnuts and people who don’t watch television!)



  1. Dear B.J. Novak « Dear Mr. Postman - 25 October 2010

    […] am not Natalie Portman, which might have its advantages.  Like: I’m not vegan.  Vegan people: the hardest friends in the world to please.  They don’t even pretend to be accommodating.  […]

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