Dear Spelling Songs

28 Jan

Dear Spelling Songs,

That is: Dear spelling songs that are not children’s songs. I’m thinking, specifically, of you, G-l-a-m-o-r-o-u-s, and you, dumb “Bananas” thing by Gwen Stefani.

Since you are not children’s songs, and hopefully, you are not actually teaching anyone to spell (oh peter paul and mary, what if you are?), QUIT IT.

I know you’re catchy. That’s part of why I’m so riled up. G-L-A-M-#*&%^ is stuck in my f-r-i-c-k-i-n’ mind. I know that saying one letter at a time is an easy way to create rhythm– yes, yes, I do know, in fact, I have a hard time spelling words out loud without sing-songing up and down like a kindergarten teacher on a Mr. Sketch high. I do nanny. And I do sing the alphabet at least four times a day five days a week. Which is twenty times too many. (In addition to singing the alphabet, I can also do my times tables!)

And can I just say, the alphabet, kind of like Happy Birthday, more often sounds like a funeral dirge than something with a tune. When ANYBODY sings them, not just ME; I may be nearly tone deaf but I know neither of them is supposed to be sung at half their proper speed in registers so low they’re technically sonar and only whales can hear them.

Anyway, the point is, may I suggest creating a song with a rhythm so you don’t have to resort to spelling out your lyrics so that the rest of us don’t have to listen to spelling songs for adults. Use, you know, a percussion section. Use a tambourine. Use a canned backbeat. I don’t care.

JUST QUIT SPELLING ON THE RADIO.

Thanks,

MM

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